Tag Archives: sons

How It Is To Live And Raise A Family in New Zealand (2nd Part of Part 2: Our Family, A Team… Pregnancy and Birth)

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Disclaimer: As what I put on Part 1, everything that’s written here is based on our own family’s experiences and based on my perspective and preferences. This is the second of the series where I’ll write about how we live (or survive perhaps) as a family away from our families and relatives in the Philippines.

There’s a baby and it’s a boy!

When my first ever pregnancy test came back positive, I knew beforehand that it would come back positive. Two weeks before I took that test, I already felt that something different was happening inside my body. We did not tell anyone yet until it was confirmed by our GP (family doctor). My husband and I were very excited, of course! But we were also very nervous. Moreover, I was overwhelmed in both positive and negative ways because I was working on a project as a volunteer in a non-profit organisation where we were coming up with a tutoring program for the refugees and an ESL program specifically for Japanese migrants here. But as most mothers would surely agree with me, having a baby inside me gave me the most wonderful feeling ever. The second one was more of a surprise. We were in the Philippines when I felt that something was happening inside me. My husband and I did the test that turned out positive on the day before our flight back to NZ. We kept quiet until another test came back positive a week after we were back here in NZ.

In our experience here in NZ, as soon as the pregnancy test that we had at home turned out positive, we saw our GP to have it confirmed. Then our GP ordered me to undergo some blood tests and a scan (that’s how ultrasound is called here). Here is a bit of a guide about screening tests and scans that are being done here: Click here for the screening tests and scans info. Then I was prescribed to take folic acid, iodine and iron supplements.

My babies and I were under the care of our GP for most of the first trimester until I found a midwife. Finding a midwife here wasn’t easy based on my experience. My baby was due in June and winter starts in June here. When I rang almost five midwives, they were either “fully-booked” or going overseas for holiday (perhaps to somewhere warm). Yes, the lead maternity carer here is usually a midwife unless it is considered a high-risk pregnancy.

I had different Lead Maternity Carers (LMC) in my two pregnancies. The first one was in West Auckland and the second one was closer to our place. I loved the partner midwife of my first LMC. She was the one who helped my first-born to come out into this world. I would have asked her to become my LMC if she was still here in Auckland. I also loved my second LMC. She was very calm up to the extent of me imagining her as a great meditation guru.

My first pregnancy was difficult. I was experiencing nausea and all-day morning sickness almost in my entire pregnancy. I had some false alarms towards my due date as spots of blood would come out several times a couple of weeks before I gave birth. My second pregnancy was easier during the first half as I was even able to still go out and about with my first child and to still attend the workshops to finish some modules in the Playcentre course that I was completing at that time. It started to appear complicated when I had a bit of a fall down a ramp. I was admitted in the hospital for three days at my 28th week of pregnancy because a test indicating that the baby might come out early came back positive. They had to give me steroids to prepare the baby’s lungs in case he would have to come out prematurely. I had to come back to hospital almost twice a week for a month to be monitored. They had to do several anatomy scans during the last couple of months of my pregnancy to make sure that the baby was still growing and developing well inside. I was already being seen by obstetricians in the hospital then and they were coordinating with my midwife. Thankfully, both of my babies decided to stay inside me until their 38th week.

During my first pregnancy, my husband and I attended several nights of antenatal classes and I attended some sessions of pregnancy yoga on Saturdays. I only had the drive to do some walking during the last trimester of my first pregnancy but I managed to walk a lot during my second pregnancy.

OK, so how was my labour? And how did I give birth?

During my labour in the birthing suite, this was one of my positions next to standing on the floor.

My husband and I did not experience those “driving-fast-to-hospital-because-my-water-bag-broke” scenes in the movies. During my first pregnancy, I was in the hospital for two nights already before the big day because of the spots of blood that I had. The obstetrician was even considering to induce me. During my second pregnancy, my midwife asked me to go to hospital early in the morning on the day that I gave birth because it seemed like I was already in labour.

Both labours were indeed hard work, however, my boys did not let me suffer from labour pains for more than 6 hours. Moreover, they did not make me push as hard and long as the ones being portrayed in movies. Both came out through normal vaginal deliveries and I did not need any pain relief or epidural in both. There were no screaming inside the birthing suites as I also did not want anyone to be talking to me. I wanted complete silence! My first midwife made me stand for almost two hours while I was having those tremendous labour pains. She did not allow me to lie down or sit down. Gravity was indeed very helpful. Within 15 or 20 minutes after my water bag broke, our first-born came out. My second midwife had to pop my water bag as she believed that it would be helpful for my baby to go down quicker. I was lying down for most part during my active labour stage in the second one as I felt like I was already running out of strength and energy. I literally felt like I was dying soon at that time. Obviously, I did not! However, I did not have to actually push more than twice as my second son performed a great sprint when he was coming out. I am really, really thankful to my sons, to my midwives and to my husband who was present during the whole process (from making babies to taking care of them).

First of the most beautiful moments in my life…
Motherhood is a privilege and the greatest blessing from God.

During both of my pregnancies up to labour and birth of our sons, we did not have anyone to live with us as a support person. It was just me and my husband the whole time. We shared in household chores. My husband couldn’t even go to work sometimes because I wasn’t feeling so well or I needed him to accompany me to my check-up or to be with our first-born in the Playcentre. It was never easy for us but, as I wrote in my previous posts, being just us most of the time in those very challenging times has been wonderful. We continuously learn to hold on to each other and work together so that we can raise our family well.

There were times when we also asked for help and support from our families back in the Philippines and from the people who have been close to us here in NZ. We can say that we have had great support network here. It may not be the same as the ones whose families are just around the corner but the people whom we’ve had here are really great help to us. And we are forever grateful to them.

In both of my pregnancy, labour and birth experiences, I can say that we encountered big challenges. I had excruciating pains (who knows, my sons might have felt pains too). My husband had to deal with my mood swings and he has also had to adjust his lifestyle (i.e. no triathlons for three years now). However, in the midst of all the difficult years that we have had, I have no doubt that we are a family… that we are a team.

When the kuya met his baby brother

Side notes: We did not have to pay any of my antenatal check-ups with our GP and midwives. Blood tests and flu/whooping cough vaccines were free when I was pregnant. Antenatal classes were free. We never even had to pay the hospitals when I gave birth. We had to pay for scans and pregnancy yoga classes, anyway. (OK, my husband and I have permanent resident visa here. I’m not sure how it is for those with work visa.)

***Next part will be about how it is to have babies here in New Zealand.***

A Very Important Word in Every Parent-Child Relationship

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Yesterday was one of those days when I felt like I was about to erupt like a volcano. Mr. Three was causing heaps of mischiefs and was showing a few misbehaviour while all that Mr. Eleven Months wanted to do was to be physically attached to me.

The moment came when I was really about to explode. I could feel all my blood rushing to my head and my face turned hot and I was sure it turned bloody red. Yes, I was so angry like this: 😡!

I was sitting on one end of the couch holding the baby brother. I knew I was giving Mr. Three an ultimate piercing gaze and I was grinding my teeth so hard while pushing my lips so tight against each other to keep my mouth shut. Who knew what I could have uttered if I let myself talk or even scream at that time?!

On the other end of the couch was Mr. Three. He was starting to cry. Within a few minutes, he exclaimed:

“I understand you, Mommy! I understand! I understand you’re galit (anger). I understand you’re galit (angry) me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Mommy.” He was already sobbing at that time.

Seeing him and hearing his words calmed me down big time. It softened my heart and somehow cleared my mind. I opened my arm to invite him to come to me. He ran up to me and hugged me. He was still sobbing and telling me that he’s sorry. I hugged him so tight and kissed him.

After all our heavy emotions subsided and our lounge had been filled with peace and calmness, I realised Mr. Three perfectly mirrored what I have been doing to him whenever he’s dealing with huge unpleasant emotions.

There have been many times when I didn’t know what to say when he’s having a tremendous outburst of emotions and all I could say was:

“I UNDERSTAND. I totally UNDERSTAND you.”

More often than not, I say that even if I don’t really understand him. I say that hoping that he’d calm down. I say that hoping that he’d help me to know what has really been going on. I say that hoping that I could really understand him so we can regain the peace that was lost at that moment.

So perhaps Mr. Three didn’t know what to do or say yesterday as well but he wanted me to calm down and he wanted us to simply start over again in peace.

I have read a lot about how to deal with a child’s “tantrums” or whatever the people would like to call that. 99.9% of the “experts” said that empathising is the most effective way. I think empathy can work effectively but, personally, I’m not sure if I have already learnt how to empathise effectively or, moreso, sincerely.

It was written by many that we can effectively calm down a child by saying: “I can see that you’re sad/upset/angry. I understand how you feel or what you’re going through.” I have tried these statements but, at the back of my mind, I was asking myself: “What if this child is not upset? What if he’s not really sad? What if he’s just hungry? What if he just wants to play something else? And what if he just wants me?”

Sometimes, I change the “recommended statements” a bit into:

“I understand you. I totally understand you. But can you tell Mommy why you’re crying/why you did that? Are you sad or upset or scared or angry? What made you sad/upset/angry, etc.?”

It can calm him down and, at the same time, we can talk about how he feels or what actually happened.

But most of the time, I can only say:

“I UNDERSTAND. I totally UNDERSTAND you.”

Then I give him a big tight hug. And it’s effective. Because who doesn’t want to be understood? Even us, adults, long for others to understand us.

I think that, next to love and more than anything else, our children need us to UNDERSTAND them. And based on what happened to us yesterday, our children will also UNDERSTAND us when we make them feel that we UNDERSTAND them.

***If you’re curious what Mr. Three had done that made me so angry, let me just put it this way: He’d been so used to having all of me almost all the time for two years and then, one day, another precious being came to his life and this wee one needs and wants all of me too. Mr. Three has always been a good and kind boy, or even brother, but he has been experiencing a very common emotion these days — jealousy. This time I’m sure that it’s jealousy because when they’re left in a room together all alone by themselves, they laugh and play together as if they’re best of friends but when I’m in the same room, it usually becomes chaotic.***

Let Them Be

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“I am SUPERMAN!!!”

“For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.” -Nelson Mandela

“Nooooo!!!No suot (wear) that! Not that shirt! Not that pants!” screamed Mr. Two. “I want Superman lang (only),” he DECLARED.

There are mornings like this. Sometimes, it happens during mornings when everybody’s in a hurry. Yes, the struggle is real! (I ALSO WANT TO SCREAM “NOOOOO!!!”)

But then, what’s really wrong about a two-year-old wearing his Superman costume when he will just go to play in the childcare centre or at Playcentre? Nothing! Yes, nothing, right?! So why struggle?

“I am MAUI now!”
(Because he got “tattooed”…with stickers!)

Recently, he has become so OBSESSED with Moana. When he’s allowed to watch TV, he wants to watch Moana only. When we listen to music, it has to be the Moana soundtrack. And we have to listen to Moana soundtrack every single minute … every single day… and he dances his heart out every single time that he hears the songs. (Dancing is the cute part but listening to the same music over and over again? It makes me… “What can I say except you’re welcome? You’re welcome!” Arghhhhh…) Oh, one afternoon, he didn’t want to wear anything except his underpants because Maui is topless and then yesterday, he’s got himself “tattooed” (with stickers) because Maui has tattoos and HE IS MAUI, according to him!

So anything wrong with that? NOTHING!!! Because there is nothing wrong in letting the child believe that he can be whoever he wants to be.

Now I may be questioned: “So what if he gets so frustrated when he’d finally realise that he is neither Superman nor Maui?”

First, I am sure that he knows that he is neither Superman nor Maui because we call him by his real name and he responds to us.

Second, it is very, very natural for children and even for adults to get frustrated. Therefore, it is actually good for him to get frustrated when reality hits him. It becomes an opportunity for us to help him learn how to accept the fact, let go and move forward while he is still very young. Then while he realises that it is not all the time that he can be whoever he wants to be, he will still believe in himself.

Because he can try to become the person he wants to be. Because we believe that he can. Because we let him be!

He can be a mechanic!

He can be a firefighter! (He’s just having a break in the fire station. Look, he’s still wearing his fireman boots!)

He can mow the lawn!

He can be a photographer!

He can be a musician!

He can be an engineer or even a plumber!

He can be a chef!

I am a strong advocate of free play. They can get messy. They can get wet. They can explore. They can run around until they get tired. They can play with dolls as long as they are being good fathers or big brothers to the doll. They can play cooking.

Basically, I let my children do everything. I let them be.

Now don’t get me wrong. Yes, I give them freedom to do whatever they want to. However, I also have rules that they must strictly follow.

  • When it is eating time, it is eating time. They have to sit with us at the dining table. (This can be bent sometimes but should be followed most of the time.)
  • Eat what’s served on the table. Be thankful for the food whatever it is. They can decide on how much to eat though (only them can feel whether they’re hungry or full).
  • Bedtime starts between 7:30pm and 8pm. I can’t control how soon they fall asleep but they must stay on the bed…no standing up, no sitting, no jumping…nothing else but lie down!
  • Never hurt nor harm anyone.

I let them be because I want them to know that I trust them. I let them be but I let them face the consequences of their choices. I let them be and I celebrate with them when they achieve something from being who they have decided to be. I let them be because I know that it will help them develop a good amount of self-control and a good sense of full responsibility over their lives.

I love, trust and respect  them that’s why I let them be.

When Hurting Mode is ON

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Mr. Two’s hitting and kicking modes were ON. For no apparent reason, he would just hit and kick me so hard not just once but several times.
I have never been a perfect mom but I do my best to be a respectful mom. I’m not only after correcting and disciplining my children. I am after educating them and helping them choose to do the good and/or the right thing. Apparently in doing this, I would usually need to do some trial and error.

So I decided to try a few different strategies.

Strategy #1: “The Rule”

Me: “No hitting. No kicking. No hurting other people.”
He stopped for a while then resumed after a few minutes.

 

Strategy #2: “The Golden Rule”

Me: “I said no hitting and no kicking. Do you want me to hit or kick you? Do you want me to hurt you?”
G: “No!”
Me: “If you don’t want me to hurt you, stop hurting me.”
He stopped for a while then resumed.

 

Strategy #3: “Empathy + Solution”

Me: “You seem to be very upset. How about you use your words instead of hurting me? You can always tell me what’s wrong. You’re hurting Mommy big time. When I’m upset with you, I don’t hurt you. And even if you hurt me now, I don’t hit or kick you back. Tell Mommy what’s wrong.”
He stopped, hugged me…then resumed hurting me.

 

Strategy #4: “Ignore”

I just ignored him.
Failed!

 

Strategy 5: “Damsel in Distress”

Me: “You are hurting me. Do you want me to get sick again? Do you want me to stay in the hospital again?”
He stopped, looked at me and he was about to cry.
I realised I was wrong because I wouldn’t want him to feel guilty once I’m back in the hospital.
Me: “Ok. Sorry, Mommy gets sick sometimes for no reason at all. Mommy can get sick even if you’re not hurting me.”
He stopped for quite a long time. Then he resumed in hurting me.

 

Strategy #6: “Ultimatum”

Me: “Hurting someone else is not good. Hitting will never, ever be good no matter what your reasons are. You can always tell me why you’re upset. Use your words instead.”
He continued.
Me: “Do you know that when you hurt other people the police can put you in jail?”
He didn’t know what a jail is.
Me: “In jail, you won’t see Mommy and Daddy and [brother] anymore. You will live with other people who can hurt you too. Mommy will be very, very sad. Mommy will never want you to live in jail BUT, if you continue to hit and kick other people, Mommy will be the one to call the police. Mommy will be sad but I will let the police take you because what you’re doing is not right. It is not good. Do you want Mommy to call the police to take you?”
G: “No. Sorry, Mommy.”
Me: “You’re a good boy. You’ve always been good but hitting and kicking are not good. Are you still going to hurt other people?”
G: “No. Sorry, Mommy. I love you.”
Me: “I love you too. Mommy understands you were upset. I didn’t know why. It’s better if you’ll tell Mommy what happened.”
He didn’t say a word. He only hugged me and looked at me as if he’s asking for a hug and kiss.

I knew there was no external reason. He was very happy before he started and I was even playing with him.

It was more of a “natural urge” caused by something happening inside him that’s actually part of his brain development.
That would have been a valid excuse but I knew that if I let him continue that, he’ll grow up thinking that it’s OK to hurt others. So I’d rather be the mean mom who “scares” her child rather than see him hurting people as he grows up.

And I think it’s also good for him to know that if someone will hurt him, he can call the police to catch the offender. So, yes, better not mess with my children!

Child’s Play and Alphabet

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A child learns best when he’s free to learn in his own pace and in his own ways.

Mr. Two shaped my breast pump tube into this and he said, “Mommy, letter G! G for [his name]!”

Ask me how and where my Mr. Two first learnt about letters. He was almost 1.5 years old then. It was in a hotel in Manila. There was the “EXIT” sign on the lower part of the hallway wall. He traced each letter with his fingers while saying “Mommy?” or “Daddy?” as if he was asking us what it was. After only a couple of “trips” to that “EXIT” sign, he already knew that those four letters were E-X-I-T or T-I-X-E or I-T-X-E (yes, keep on reshuffling…it doesn’t matter).

I treated those “trips” to that sign as purely play but it turned out to be a learning opportunity for him.

As time went by, he would ask us the letters that he could see around. He’s now familiar with alphabet. He would usually name the letters that he’s seen…not always correct but he is most of the time.

Do I ask him to sit down and study or memorise the alphabet? No. Never. Is he a genius? I don’t think so.

How have I made him familiar with the alphabet? I let him be the child who plays and explores. I build up his curiosity. I take him out. We ride on a bus and train and ferry and I let him hold the tickets, which have letters and numbers printed on it. I give him the receipts from cafe or supermarket.

And of course, we sing the alphabet songs.

His fingers and the window with condensation are his pen and paper in the morning.

So in case you get frustrated because your four- or five-year-old child can’t tell you what letter it is that you are pointing at, play with him. Let him play. Let him explore. Go out. Find a stick or twig, use it as your pen and start writing the alphabet on the ground. Go to the beach and write the alphabet on the sand with your fingers or rocks.

Learning can be fun. Let learning happen naturally. Let your child learn how to learn. Let him have fun in learning. Let him play while learning. Let him learn through play. Let him be a child!