Tag Archives: toddler

Our Spirit of Battle Turns 1

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Our “spirit of battle” was born on 28 July 2016 at 2:07pm.

Today, 28 July 2017, marks the 1st birthday of our “Spirit of Battle”. Yes, that’s the meaning of his name and he truly deserves it because it feels like he has already won several battles in life.

It was a day before we left Philippines when we visited there in late 2015 when my husband and I found out that I was carrying our second child. We didn’t tell anyone yet during that time as it was still too early and we wanted it to be confirmed by our GP here. It was unexpected. It was unplanned. But it’s true that best things and greatest blessings come unexpectedly.

While he was still in my tummy, we so fondly called him G2 since our firstborn’s name starts with letter G. We were supposed to name him Xavier but a day before he was born I discovered his name when I tried to find a variation of the word cadence, which means harmony. Indeed, Caden was meant to be his name.

Three months before he was born, the doctors found out that there’s a possibility of him coming out prematurely after I fell over. I had to stay in the hospital for a couple of days back then because I needed to be injected with steroids that could help his lungs cope well in case he’d come out that early. And within the whole last trimester of my pregnancy, we had to be closely monitored by a maternity team because he seemed to be not growing well inside my womb and the blood flow in his brain seemed to be not enough. Thankfully, he stayed inside my womb for until almost 39 weeks.

Although it was a natural birth and without epidural, it was a more difficult labour and birth. I almost asked my midwife to cut my tummy a few hours before he came out because it felt like I was going to have an asthma attack. I asked for the gas instead. Then it felt like the precious little one fought with me and just pushed himself out and made it easier for me.

Our very precious blessing has always been a resilient fighter. ❤️❤️❤️

When he came out, he cried very quietly and only for a short time. He was able to latch on so easily as if he really knew what to do to be able to drink milk. But then, his temperature and his blood sugar level were very low so he was put in an incubator for four hours. Afterwards, we were good to go to the birthcare. It was a very bad timing to transfer from hospital to birthcare because it’s winter and his temperature should not go low again and, worse, it was rush hour and the traffic was awful but we needed to be in the birthcare within thirty minutes because he had to be monitored again.

He’s been a quiet, happy and contented baby most of the time.

Then weeks and months went by. We were successful in breastfeeding. He had a great daily routine that enabled me to still spend time with his kuya and to do other house chores. I was able to come back to Playcentre after 3 months and he was coming with us too. He enjoyed his first Christmas and New Year.

But after he turned 5 months old, he had to experience heaps of changes and adjustments because I got so ill. He stayed with me in the hospital for four days because I was still breastfeeding him but we had to abruptly stop it and to start him with formula exclusively. Surely, he also felt the stress and worries that our family had undergone during the following months. He even had to stay in another house then in a childcare centre during the day for several months because I couldn’t look after him and my husband would have to work of course.

Within those months, it felt like I missed many of his firsts. One day, I just realised that he was already crawling then sitting up. Time went by faster and he began standing up then toddling and now walking. He’s already got his own ways of communicating with us. He loves music. He likes dancing and bouncing up and down. And we love his smiles. Oh, we love him so dearly!

Despite all the challenges, here he is now — still happy and thriving so well– a very active boy growing up into a determined and resilient man.

And today, he turns 1! ❤️❤️❤️

 

 

Pour the Paint… A child-initiated and self-directed play

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This play was 100% child-initiated and self-directed.

First, he asked me to open the jar of the blue paint that I made yesterday. Since we don’t have a paintbrush that he could use, I gave him a couple of cotton swabs. He used them by dabbing.

My homemade paints:
Flour + Salt + Water + Food Colouring

After several minutes, he asked me to put some red paint into the same cup. He said afterwards, “Mommy, it’s not blue now and red paint is gone. It’s purple now.”

Then he asked for yellow paint to be put into the same cup. He continued to dab using the swab for a few minutes then he used his fingers.

Then he stopped painting and put the chalks that used to be there into their box. He tidied up his “work space”.

Suddenly, he asked, “Mommy, there’s salt in the paint?” I then explained to him that I used flour, salt, water and food colouring in making those paints.

Then he replied, “Yeah! I know! There’s salt. I touched (perhaps he meant “felt”) it! Mommy, I want to pour it. I not want to touch the salt.”

I got worried that he’d pour the entire paint at once. I adjusted the paper to make sure that the paint wouldn’t flow straight onto the floor (although there was a protective mat).

Although I knew that pouring would eventually happen because that’s what he loves to do when there are liquids in front of him, I didn’t expect that he’d pour the paint in the way that he did. He slowly poured the paint onto the paper, carefully watched the paint as it flowed down and moved from one part of the paper to another. I was amazed!

What amazed me more was when he said “Mommy, I’m done. We can wipe this and clean the board now. Thank you, Mommy!” And he actually helped in cleaning and tidying up.

It only means that he succeeded in completing the whole process that was formed in his mind. I believe it’s important for a child to be able to complete a whole play episode without so much interference while still providing the resources and support that they need.
After several minutes, I found him looking and smiling at his “masterpiece”. I could see in his face the sense of accomplishment that he felt and I love it!

I could enumerate heaps of learnings that I recognised during this play — from his fine motor skills to communication skills, etc. — but one thing that I recognised the most was his ability to initiate a play and to direct it using his creativity and curiosity.

A Very Important Word in Every Parent-Child Relationship

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Yesterday was one of those days when I felt like I was about to erupt like a volcano. Mr. Three was causing heaps of mischiefs and was showing a few misbehaviour while all that Mr. Eleven Months wanted to do was to be physically attached to me.

The moment came when I was really about to explode. I could feel all my blood rushing to my head and my face turned hot and I was sure it turned bloody red. Yes, I was so angry like this: 😡!

I was sitting on one end of the couch holding the baby brother. I knew I was giving Mr. Three an ultimate piercing gaze and I was grinding my teeth so hard while pushing my lips so tight against each other to keep my mouth shut. Who knew what I could have uttered if I let myself talk or even scream at that time?!

On the other end of the couch was Mr. Three. He was starting to cry. Within a few minutes, he exclaimed:

“I understand you, Mommy! I understand! I understand you’re galit (anger). I understand you’re galit (angry) me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Mommy.” He was already sobbing at that time.

Seeing him and hearing his words calmed me down big time. It softened my heart and somehow cleared my mind. I opened my arm to invite him to come to me. He ran up to me and hugged me. He was still sobbing and telling me that he’s sorry. I hugged him so tight and kissed him.

After all our heavy emotions subsided and our lounge had been filled with peace and calmness, I realised Mr. Three perfectly mirrored what I have been doing to him whenever he’s dealing with huge unpleasant emotions.

There have been many times when I didn’t know what to say when he’s having a tremendous outburst of emotions and all I could say was:

“I UNDERSTAND. I totally UNDERSTAND you.”

More often than not, I say that even if I don’t really understand him. I say that hoping that he’d calm down. I say that hoping that he’d help me to know what has really been going on. I say that hoping that I could really understand him so we can regain the peace that was lost at that moment.

So perhaps Mr. Three didn’t know what to do or say yesterday as well but he wanted me to calm down and he wanted us to simply start over again in peace.

I have read a lot about how to deal with a child’s “tantrums” or whatever the people would like to call that. 99.9% of the “experts” said that empathising is the most effective way. I think empathy can work effectively but, personally, I’m not sure if I have already learnt how to empathise effectively or, moreso, sincerely.

It was written by many that we can effectively calm down a child by saying: “I can see that you’re sad/upset/angry. I understand how you feel or what you’re going through.” I have tried these statements but, at the back of my mind, I was asking myself: “What if this child is not upset? What if he’s not really sad? What if he’s just hungry? What if he just wants to play something else? And what if he just wants me?”

Sometimes, I change the “recommended statements” a bit into:

“I understand you. I totally understand you. But can you tell Mommy why you’re crying/why you did that? Are you sad or upset or scared or angry? What made you sad/upset/angry, etc.?”

It can calm him down and, at the same time, we can talk about how he feels or what actually happened.

But most of the time, I can only say:

“I UNDERSTAND. I totally UNDERSTAND you.”

Then I give him a big tight hug. And it’s effective. Because who doesn’t want to be understood? Even us, adults, long for others to understand us.

I think that, next to love and more than anything else, our children need us to UNDERSTAND them. And based on what happened to us yesterday, our children will also UNDERSTAND us when we make them feel that we UNDERSTAND them.

***If you’re curious what Mr. Three had done that made me so angry, let me just put it this way: He’d been so used to having all of me almost all the time for two years and then, one day, another precious being came to his life and this wee one needs and wants all of me too. Mr. Three has always been a good and kind boy, or even brother, but he has been experiencing a very common emotion these days — jealousy. This time I’m sure that it’s jealousy because when they’re left in a room together all alone by themselves, they laugh and play together as if they’re best of friends but when I’m in the same room, it usually becomes chaotic.***

Let Them Be

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“I am SUPERMAN!!!”

“For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.” -Nelson Mandela

“Nooooo!!!No suot (wear) that! Not that shirt! Not that pants!” screamed Mr. Two. “I want Superman lang (only),” he DECLARED.

There are mornings like this. Sometimes, it happens during mornings when everybody’s in a hurry. Yes, the struggle is real! (I ALSO WANT TO SCREAM “NOOOOO!!!”)

But then, what’s really wrong about a two-year-old wearing his Superman costume when he will just go to play in the childcare centre or at Playcentre? Nothing! Yes, nothing, right?! So why struggle?

“I am MAUI now!”
(Because he got “tattooed”…with stickers!)

Recently, he has become so OBSESSED with Moana. When he’s allowed to watch TV, he wants to watch Moana only. When we listen to music, it has to be the Moana soundtrack. And we have to listen to Moana soundtrack every single minute … every single day… and he dances his heart out every single time that he hears the songs. (Dancing is the cute part but listening to the same music over and over again? It makes me… “What can I say except you’re welcome? You’re welcome!” Arghhhhh…) Oh, one afternoon, he didn’t want to wear anything except his underpants because Maui is topless and then yesterday, he’s got himself “tattooed” (with stickers) because Maui has tattoos and HE IS MAUI, according to him!

So anything wrong with that? NOTHING!!! Because there is nothing wrong in letting the child believe that he can be whoever he wants to be.

Now I may be questioned: “So what if he gets so frustrated when he’d finally realise that he is neither Superman nor Maui?”

First, I am sure that he knows that he is neither Superman nor Maui because we call him by his real name and he responds to us.

Second, it is very, very natural for children and even for adults to get frustrated. Therefore, it is actually good for him to get frustrated when reality hits him. It becomes an opportunity for us to help him learn how to accept the fact, let go and move forward while he is still very young. Then while he realises that it is not all the time that he can be whoever he wants to be, he will still believe in himself.

Because he can try to become the person he wants to be. Because we believe that he can. Because we let him be!

He can be a mechanic!

He can be a firefighter! (He’s just having a break in the fire station. Look, he’s still wearing his fireman boots!)

He can mow the lawn!

He can be a photographer!

He can be a musician!

He can be an engineer or even a plumber!

He can be a chef!

I am a strong advocate of free play. They can get messy. They can get wet. They can explore. They can run around until they get tired. They can play with dolls as long as they are being good fathers or big brothers to the doll. They can play cooking.

Basically, I let my children do everything. I let them be.

Now don’t get me wrong. Yes, I give them freedom to do whatever they want to. However, I also have rules that they must strictly follow.

  • When it is eating time, it is eating time. They have to sit with us at the dining table. (This can be bent sometimes but should be followed most of the time.)
  • Eat what’s served on the table. Be thankful for the food whatever it is. They can decide on how much to eat though (only them can feel whether they’re hungry or full).
  • Bedtime starts between 7:30pm and 8pm. I can’t control how soon they fall asleep but they must stay on the bed…no standing up, no sitting, no jumping…nothing else but lie down!
  • Never hurt nor harm anyone.

I let them be because I want them to know that I trust them. I let them be but I let them face the consequences of their choices. I let them be and I celebrate with them when they achieve something from being who they have decided to be. I let them be because I know that it will help them develop a good amount of self-control and a good sense of full responsibility over their lives.

I love, trust and respect  them that’s why I let them be.

When Hurting Mode is ON

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Mr. Two’s hitting and kicking modes were ON. For no apparent reason, he would just hit and kick me so hard not just once but several times.
I have never been a perfect mom but I do my best to be a respectful mom. I’m not only after correcting and disciplining my children. I am after educating them and helping them choose to do the good and/or the right thing. Apparently in doing this, I would usually need to do some trial and error.

So I decided to try a few different strategies.

Strategy #1: “The Rule”

Me: “No hitting. No kicking. No hurting other people.”
He stopped for a while then resumed after a few minutes.

 

Strategy #2: “The Golden Rule”

Me: “I said no hitting and no kicking. Do you want me to hit or kick you? Do you want me to hurt you?”
G: “No!”
Me: “If you don’t want me to hurt you, stop hurting me.”
He stopped for a while then resumed.

 

Strategy #3: “Empathy + Solution”

Me: “You seem to be very upset. How about you use your words instead of hurting me? You can always tell me what’s wrong. You’re hurting Mommy big time. When I’m upset with you, I don’t hurt you. And even if you hurt me now, I don’t hit or kick you back. Tell Mommy what’s wrong.”
He stopped, hugged me…then resumed hurting me.

 

Strategy #4: “Ignore”

I just ignored him.
Failed!

 

Strategy 5: “Damsel in Distress”

Me: “You are hurting me. Do you want me to get sick again? Do you want me to stay in the hospital again?”
He stopped, looked at me and he was about to cry.
I realised I was wrong because I wouldn’t want him to feel guilty once I’m back in the hospital.
Me: “Ok. Sorry, Mommy gets sick sometimes for no reason at all. Mommy can get sick even if you’re not hurting me.”
He stopped for quite a long time. Then he resumed in hurting me.

 

Strategy #6: “Ultimatum”

Me: “Hurting someone else is not good. Hitting will never, ever be good no matter what your reasons are. You can always tell me why you’re upset. Use your words instead.”
He continued.
Me: “Do you know that when you hurt other people the police can put you in jail?”
He didn’t know what a jail is.
Me: “In jail, you won’t see Mommy and Daddy and [brother] anymore. You will live with other people who can hurt you too. Mommy will be very, very sad. Mommy will never want you to live in jail BUT, if you continue to hit and kick other people, Mommy will be the one to call the police. Mommy will be sad but I will let the police take you because what you’re doing is not right. It is not good. Do you want Mommy to call the police to take you?”
G: “No. Sorry, Mommy.”
Me: “You’re a good boy. You’ve always been good but hitting and kicking are not good. Are you still going to hurt other people?”
G: “No. Sorry, Mommy. I love you.”
Me: “I love you too. Mommy understands you were upset. I didn’t know why. It’s better if you’ll tell Mommy what happened.”
He didn’t say a word. He only hugged me and looked at me as if he’s asking for a hug and kiss.

I knew there was no external reason. He was very happy before he started and I was even playing with him.

It was more of a “natural urge” caused by something happening inside him that’s actually part of his brain development.
That would have been a valid excuse but I knew that if I let him continue that, he’ll grow up thinking that it’s OK to hurt others. So I’d rather be the mean mom who “scares” her child rather than see him hurting people as he grows up.

And I think it’s also good for him to know that if someone will hurt him, he can call the police to catch the offender. So, yes, better not mess with my children!