Tag Archives: Relationship

How It Is To Live And Raise A Family in New Zealand (1st Part of Part 2: Our Family, A Team…The Beginning)

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Disclaimer: As what I put on Part 1, Everything that’s written here is based on our own family’s experiences and based on my perspective and preferences. This is the  first of the series where I’ll write about how we live (or survive perhaps) as a family away from our families and relatives in the Philippines.

The bridal car that our friend decorated

My husband and I got married here. We did 90% of our wedding preparations. We coordinated with the church where we wanted to get married. We searched together for the venue where we wanted to have our reception. We made our own invitations. We bought my gown and his suit together. I personalised the wedding ceremony that was shared to us by our priest/celebrant. My husband prepared the playlist of all the songs for both the ceremony and reception. One day before our wedding, we were travelling around Auckland to purchase all the flowers that were arranged free of charge by a very kind family friend. On that same day, we picked up the bridal car that we rented. Then I went to the house of my aunt-in-law where I slept that night.

My lovely bridal bouquet that was superbly arranged by our long-time close family friend

Wedding Day. I woke up early in the morning. Yes, I was able to sleep well because I got exhausted from everything that we had to do in the past weeks or perhaps months. I had breakfast, prepared all that I needed, took a bath and had lunch. Then I started to style my hair and to do my own make-up. Yes, I didn’t have a hairstylist and/or a make-up artist but I had my matron-of-honour and a bridesmaid who assisted me. My cousin-in-law put the nail polish on me the night before. I put my gown and veil on. One and a half hour before the wedding, I was all set and ready to go to the church. I loved how all my preparations that day all went. I was relaxed because I was able to do everything my way — particularly my hair and make-up!

The church aisle where I walked down on my own

***All photos posted here were taken by a friend photographer. She and her partner gifted us with their time, effort and energy to become our wedding photographer and videographer.***

One of our godfathers drove me to the church. I didn’t have my family or any relatives here even during our wedding. I walked down the aisle on my own. However, I was still fortunate enough to have a close family friend living here for nearly a decade to wait for me at the front and to hand me over to my groom at the altar. The wedding ceremony went on as we wished — simple and solemn with some laughters.

It actually takes three to tango when it comes to marriage — husband, wife and God.

It was a beautiful summer day in this country where my husband and I have chosen to build our own family.

Our reception was simple yet elegant as planned. It was in a marquee installed outside a restaurant that served our food. We all enjoyed our individual pre-ordered three-course meals. Yes, we asked our guests to inform us about their choice of the set of meal when they RSVP’d because we limited our number of guests to 50 for financial reason of course. Then we had a simple programme — cutting of the wedding cake, first dance as husband and wife, throwing of bouquet and garter, a song performance by a friend, and a couple of speeches.  Two of our friends volunteered themselves to become the emcees.

Our beautiful wedding cake that was baked and gifted to us by our godmother

I decided to write about our wedding as part of the blog series that I have been striving to complete because, through our wedding, my husband and I were able to practice one very important trait of New Zealanders — that is their “do-it-yourself” attitude. And through our wedding, we felt and witnessed another very wonderful attitude of the people here in New Zealand — that is helping one another without expecting for any return. Last and most importantly, our wedding was an undoubtedly great event in our lives here in New Zealand not only because it was our wedding but because, through our wedding, my husband and I truly worked as a team — a team that is still being strengthened through life’s trials and challenges.

Since day 1, my husband and I have been working hand in hand as a team.

Yes, We are husband and wife… We are a family… We are a team. And teamwork has indeed helped us to survive in our very challenging life away from our families and relatives back in the Philippines.

A Very Important Word in Every Parent-Child Relationship

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Yesterday was one of those days when I felt like I was about to erupt like a volcano. Mr. Three was causing heaps of mischiefs and was showing a few misbehaviour while all that Mr. Eleven Months wanted to do was to be physically attached to me.

The moment came when I was really about to explode. I could feel all my blood rushing to my head and my face turned hot and I was sure it turned bloody red. Yes, I was so angry like this: 😡!

I was sitting on one end of the couch holding the baby brother. I knew I was giving Mr. Three an ultimate piercing gaze and I was grinding my teeth so hard while pushing my lips so tight against each other to keep my mouth shut. Who knew what I could have uttered if I let myself talk or even scream at that time?!

On the other end of the couch was Mr. Three. He was starting to cry. Within a few minutes, he exclaimed:

“I understand you, Mommy! I understand! I understand you’re galit (anger). I understand you’re galit (angry) me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Mommy.” He was already sobbing at that time.

Seeing him and hearing his words calmed me down big time. It softened my heart and somehow cleared my mind. I opened my arm to invite him to come to me. He ran up to me and hugged me. He was still sobbing and telling me that he’s sorry. I hugged him so tight and kissed him.

After all our heavy emotions subsided and our lounge had been filled with peace and calmness, I realised Mr. Three perfectly mirrored what I have been doing to him whenever he’s dealing with huge unpleasant emotions.

There have been many times when I didn’t know what to say when he’s having a tremendous outburst of emotions and all I could say was:

“I UNDERSTAND. I totally UNDERSTAND you.”

More often than not, I say that even if I don’t really understand him. I say that hoping that he’d calm down. I say that hoping that he’d help me to know what has really been going on. I say that hoping that I could really understand him so we can regain the peace that was lost at that moment.

So perhaps Mr. Three didn’t know what to do or say yesterday as well but he wanted me to calm down and he wanted us to simply start over again in peace.

I have read a lot about how to deal with a child’s “tantrums” or whatever the people would like to call that. 99.9% of the “experts” said that empathising is the most effective way. I think empathy can work effectively but, personally, I’m not sure if I have already learnt how to empathise effectively or, moreso, sincerely.

It was written by many that we can effectively calm down a child by saying: “I can see that you’re sad/upset/angry. I understand how you feel or what you’re going through.” I have tried these statements but, at the back of my mind, I was asking myself: “What if this child is not upset? What if he’s not really sad? What if he’s just hungry? What if he just wants to play something else? And what if he just wants me?”

Sometimes, I change the “recommended statements” a bit into:

“I understand you. I totally understand you. But can you tell Mommy why you’re crying/why you did that? Are you sad or upset or scared or angry? What made you sad/upset/angry, etc.?”

It can calm him down and, at the same time, we can talk about how he feels or what actually happened.

But most of the time, I can only say:

“I UNDERSTAND. I totally UNDERSTAND you.”

Then I give him a big tight hug. And it’s effective. Because who doesn’t want to be understood? Even us, adults, long for others to understand us.

I think that, next to love and more than anything else, our children need us to UNDERSTAND them. And based on what happened to us yesterday, our children will also UNDERSTAND us when we make them feel that we UNDERSTAND them.

***If you’re curious what Mr. Three had done that made me so angry, let me just put it this way: He’d been so used to having all of me almost all the time for two years and then, one day, another precious being came to his life and this wee one needs and wants all of me too. Mr. Three has always been a good and kind boy, or even brother, but he has been experiencing a very common emotion these days — jealousy. This time I’m sure that it’s jealousy because when they’re left in a room together all alone by themselves, they laugh and play together as if they’re best of friends but when I’m in the same room, it usually becomes chaotic.***

Do You Have Complaints About Your Wife?

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If you are a husband who keeps on complaining about your wife because of any of the reasons below, I have something to tell you.

  • Wife sleeps at night right away because she got too tired looking after the kids and/or doing all the household chores all day.
  • Wife is too tired from work and only buys takeaway food for dinner.
  • Wife doesn’t clean the house because she’s been looking after your small children.
  • Wife doesn’t have energy at night because she also came from work.
  • Wife smells like garlic and onions because she cooked meals for the family.
  • Wife doesn’t meet your expectations.
  • Wife is not perfect.

Now this is what I want to tell you: STOP COMPLAINING! Moreso, STOP CHEATING ONLY BECAUSE YOUR WIFE ISN’T PERFECT!

I now have all the rights to say this to you because you are all lucky if you are the husbands of those kinds of wives that you are complaining about.

Because in all honesty, MY HUSBAND DOES EVERYTHING FOR ME AND OUR FAMILY for one month now.

He works to provide for us then he looks after me and our children then he does all the household chores. Believe it or not, he does!

He cooks all our meals every single day. He prepares our boys’ lunchboxes. He washes the dishes. He does grocery shopping for us. He washes our clothes. He hangs them to dry. He cleans the house. He drives for us. He takes me to the doctor. He takes me out for lunch or dinner. He attends Playcentre session with our son. He attends Playcentre meetings. He coordinates with our sons’ educators. He gives our baby a bath and showers our toddler every night. Etcetera… etcetera… etcetera!!!

And he cheerfully plays with our sons ❤❤❤

Does he complain? Yes, he sometimes complains that he is tired. Does he complain about me? NO!

So if you’re a husband and you complain so much about your wife just because she cannot do all the things that you expect her to do, you have no rights to complain about your wife! STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT YOUR WIFE!

Sorry. Thank you. I love you.

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Sorry. Never in my life have I ever wanted to put you in a situation like we are in right now. I’ve always imagined us simply focusing on the necessary things what we have to do — you, enjoying your work and spending happy moments with our boys once you’re home from work, while me looking after our boys and keeping things organised for us. Sorry if you have to do literally everything for our family now.

 

Thank you. Thank you for doing everything for us. Thank you for sticking with me despite all the chaos that we’ve gotten ourselves into. Thank you for always putting me and our family on your topmost priority. Thank you for all your sacrifices. I hope you know I’ll do the same for you. Thank you for your love.

 

I love you. No matter what happens, I love you. During the first few days that I was in the hospital and doctors were considering all the serious illnesses  that they could associate to my worsening condition then, I was already thinking of who can replace me as your wife and as our boys’ mother. I told myself that, if the doctors would tell me that there’s a possibility of me being paralysed or dead soon, I would call someone I know and would ask her to look after you and our boys. That thought had hurt me but that would give me peace of mind and peace in my heart that eveything in your and our boys’ lives would return to normal eventually and that someone would be looking after the three of you. You and our boys are God’s most precious gifts to me; therefore, I would never leave you without the best replacement for me that there could ever be. I love you so much that I could understand if one day you would opt to have an easier life with someone so much better than me. I would never hate you for that. Although it’s still far from happening, there’s only one thing that I want you to consider: find someone who will be nice to me because I want all of us to live in peace and I would love to see her looking after our boys as if she’s also their good mother. However, once I’m completely recovered, consider my last four statements to be null and void because I love you and I would never pass you on to anyone else just like that. Until my final breath, we are married and I love you.