Tag Archives: family

A Great Village To Raise Children

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It was 2nd of February in 2015 when we came to Hillsborough Playcentre for our first visit. That was my 33rd birthday. My firstborn was about to turn 8 months old then.

Photos during our first visit at Hillsborough Playcentre

Coming from a country where most children grow up attached not only to our parents and siblings but also to our grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins (as a matter of fact, to our neighbours as well), we felt like our child was missing something in his life. Although I knew that my son will eventually go to school where he’ll meet new people, I have believed that he would also need to be around other people during his preschool years. But then, being migrants here, it was just me and my son in the house during weekdays and it’s usually just me, my husband and our son during weekends. Physically, we have neighbours but, to be honest, we haven’t met our neighbours until now. And although I knew he needed to be around other people apart from me, I never wanted to put him in a childcare centre and he’s too young for kindy. I tried to join in playgroups but I wasn’t lucky to find a group that I could be comfortable with because the first groups that I encountered were with moms who would put their children down with toys and other babies then would just start to chat about the challenges in motherhood. In my mind, I was screaming, “I already know it’s hard to be a mom and I came here so that my child and I could have people to interact and play with. I brought my child here not to be talked about!”

So my husband and I had a hard time figuring out what to do. Personally, I wanted to go to a place where I wouldn’t have to leave my child behind, a place where he would not have to come and stay for long hours, a place where he can discover and develop himself — his own interests, his own skills. I wanted to take him to a place where he wouldn’t be directed what to do, a place where he can choose what, when, where, with whom and how to play. I wanted to take him to a place where I could be a part of making decisions on how to help my child learn and thrive. I wanted to go to a place with my child where we could have fun together.

For several months as we would drive on the road where our house is, I could always see the “Playcentre” signage. When I was already desperate to find an option for my son, that signage came to my mind so I researched about it and here’s what it says on their website:

If at this point, you want to know more about Hillsborough Playcentre, here are their website and Facebook page.

Everything that I had read about them appealed to me. It felt like that was exactly what I wanted. So I made an enquiry and I was invited for a visit.

Then came our first visit. Right then and there, I already wanted to join. The place was totally awesome — an indoor space where children could freely choose the toys, puzzles, costumes and books, a huge outdoor area where children could freely move around and explore. I saw children in costumes — princesses, animals, superheroes. I heard children laughing, talking to each other and even planning about their play dates. The moms whom I spoke with were all praises for the centre. They all sounded happy — both adults and children. They allowed me and my son to simply experience how it is to be at Playcentre. And yes, we joined in.

I believe joining Hillsborough Playcentre is one of the best decisions that my husband and I have made. I have seen how our son has learnt and developed over the past two and a half years that we’re at Playcentre. He’s got people whom he calls his friends and those whom he calls friends are not only children but also the children’s moms (and a few dads).

Moreover, my husband and I have found our own friends from Playcentre — well, not only friends… we have found a family… a great village where we would love to raise our children.

In the past two and a half years, we got to have fun with them not only in the centre but also in the parks, ferry rides, parties, etc.. Our firstborn celebrated all his first three birthdays with them. Then I got pregnant and gave birth to our 2nd son. Each day for two weeks, each member family took turns in bringing a home-cooked meal for us. When I had to rush my firstborn to the hospital, a Playcentre friend rushed to our house to look after our baby. When I got sick earlier this year, our Playcentre friends helped us in looking after our children. Yes, our Hillsborough Playcentre family has been one of our main support groups during those challenging times.

But due to the illness that badly hit me this year, I had to make a very sad decision. We’ve got to stop from coming to “our village” at the moment but with the hope of being able to come back perhaps after two or three terms. Although they have wanted us to stay and have offered us several different options and great support, I still decided to leave because I can feel that I won’t be able to give the same commitment that I would always love to give and I don’t want to be unfair to the community who has been giving their best for us.

Moreso, I know in my heart that, more than anything else, my children need a strong and healthy mother. Our own family needs me to be the strongest and healthiest that I can be. And I know that once I get back to my healthiest state, we are going to come back to the village that we have loved so dearly.

A farewell card is the last thing I want to receive from Hillsborough Playcentre.

For now, it’s au revoir… til we meet again, our beloved Hillsborough Playcentre! ❤️❤️❤️

Let Them Be

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“I am SUPERMAN!!!”

“For to be free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the freedom of others.” -Nelson Mandela

“Nooooo!!!No suot (wear) that! Not that shirt! Not that pants!” screamed Mr. Two. “I want Superman lang (only),” he DECLARED.

There are mornings like this. Sometimes, it happens during mornings when everybody’s in a hurry. Yes, the struggle is real! (I ALSO WANT TO SCREAM “NOOOOO!!!”)

But then, what’s really wrong about a two-year-old wearing his Superman costume when he will just go to play in the childcare centre or at Playcentre? Nothing! Yes, nothing, right?! So why struggle?

“I am MAUI now!”
(Because he got “tattooed”…with stickers!)

Recently, he has become so OBSESSED with Moana. When he’s allowed to watch TV, he wants to watch Moana only. When we listen to music, it has to be the Moana soundtrack. And we have to listen to Moana soundtrack every single minute … every single day… and he dances his heart out every single time that he hears the songs. (Dancing is the cute part but listening to the same music over and over again? It makes me… “What can I say except you’re welcome? You’re welcome!” Arghhhhh…) Oh, one afternoon, he didn’t want to wear anything except his underpants because Maui is topless and then yesterday, he’s got himself “tattooed” (with stickers) because Maui has tattoos and HE IS MAUI, according to him!

So anything wrong with that? NOTHING!!! Because there is nothing wrong in letting the child believe that he can be whoever he wants to be.

Now I may be questioned: “So what if he gets so frustrated when he’d finally realise that he is neither Superman nor Maui?”

First, I am sure that he knows that he is neither Superman nor Maui because we call him by his real name and he responds to us.

Second, it is very, very natural for children and even for adults to get frustrated. Therefore, it is actually good for him to get frustrated when reality hits him. It becomes an opportunity for us to help him learn how to accept the fact, let go and move forward while he is still very young. Then while he realises that it is not all the time that he can be whoever he wants to be, he will still believe in himself.

Because he can try to become the person he wants to be. Because we believe that he can. Because we let him be!

He can be a mechanic!

He can be a firefighter! (He’s just having a break in the fire station. Look, he’s still wearing his fireman boots!)

He can mow the lawn!

He can be a photographer!

He can be a musician!

He can be an engineer or even a plumber!

He can be a chef!

I am a strong advocate of free play. They can get messy. They can get wet. They can explore. They can run around until they get tired. They can play with dolls as long as they are being good fathers or big brothers to the doll. They can play cooking.

Basically, I let my children do everything. I let them be.

Now don’t get me wrong. Yes, I give them freedom to do whatever they want to. However, I also have rules that they must strictly follow.

  • When it is eating time, it is eating time. They have to sit with us at the dining table. (This can be bent sometimes but should be followed most of the time.)
  • Eat what’s served on the table. Be thankful for the food whatever it is. They can decide on how much to eat though (only them can feel whether they’re hungry or full).
  • Bedtime starts between 7:30pm and 8pm. I can’t control how soon they fall asleep but they must stay on the bed…no standing up, no sitting, no jumping…nothing else but lie down!
  • Never hurt nor harm anyone.

I let them be because I want them to know that I trust them. I let them be but I let them face the consequences of their choices. I let them be and I celebrate with them when they achieve something from being who they have decided to be. I let them be because I know that it will help them develop a good amount of self-control and a good sense of full responsibility over their lives.

I love, trust and respect  them that’s why I let them be.

When Hurting Mode is ON

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Mr. Two’s hitting and kicking modes were ON. For no apparent reason, he would just hit and kick me so hard not just once but several times.
I have never been a perfect mom but I do my best to be a respectful mom. I’m not only after correcting and disciplining my children. I am after educating them and helping them choose to do the good and/or the right thing. Apparently in doing this, I would usually need to do some trial and error.

So I decided to try a few different strategies.

Strategy #1: “The Rule”

Me: “No hitting. No kicking. No hurting other people.”
He stopped for a while then resumed after a few minutes.

 

Strategy #2: “The Golden Rule”

Me: “I said no hitting and no kicking. Do you want me to hit or kick you? Do you want me to hurt you?”
G: “No!”
Me: “If you don’t want me to hurt you, stop hurting me.”
He stopped for a while then resumed.

 

Strategy #3: “Empathy + Solution”

Me: “You seem to be very upset. How about you use your words instead of hurting me? You can always tell me what’s wrong. You’re hurting Mommy big time. When I’m upset with you, I don’t hurt you. And even if you hurt me now, I don’t hit or kick you back. Tell Mommy what’s wrong.”
He stopped, hugged me…then resumed hurting me.

 

Strategy #4: “Ignore”

I just ignored him.
Failed!

 

Strategy 5: “Damsel in Distress”

Me: “You are hurting me. Do you want me to get sick again? Do you want me to stay in the hospital again?”
He stopped, looked at me and he was about to cry.
I realised I was wrong because I wouldn’t want him to feel guilty once I’m back in the hospital.
Me: “Ok. Sorry, Mommy gets sick sometimes for no reason at all. Mommy can get sick even if you’re not hurting me.”
He stopped for quite a long time. Then he resumed in hurting me.

 

Strategy #6: “Ultimatum”

Me: “Hurting someone else is not good. Hitting will never, ever be good no matter what your reasons are. You can always tell me why you’re upset. Use your words instead.”
He continued.
Me: “Do you know that when you hurt other people the police can put you in jail?”
He didn’t know what a jail is.
Me: “In jail, you won’t see Mommy and Daddy and [brother] anymore. You will live with other people who can hurt you too. Mommy will be very, very sad. Mommy will never want you to live in jail BUT, if you continue to hit and kick other people, Mommy will be the one to call the police. Mommy will be sad but I will let the police take you because what you’re doing is not right. It is not good. Do you want Mommy to call the police to take you?”
G: “No. Sorry, Mommy.”
Me: “You’re a good boy. You’ve always been good but hitting and kicking are not good. Are you still going to hurt other people?”
G: “No. Sorry, Mommy. I love you.”
Me: “I love you too. Mommy understands you were upset. I didn’t know why. It’s better if you’ll tell Mommy what happened.”
He didn’t say a word. He only hugged me and looked at me as if he’s asking for a hug and kiss.

I knew there was no external reason. He was very happy before he started and I was even playing with him.

It was more of a “natural urge” caused by something happening inside him that’s actually part of his brain development.
That would have been a valid excuse but I knew that if I let him continue that, he’ll grow up thinking that it’s OK to hurt others. So I’d rather be the mean mom who “scares” her child rather than see him hurting people as he grows up.

And I think it’s also good for him to know that if someone will hurt him, he can call the police to catch the offender. So, yes, better not mess with my children!

Child’s Play and Alphabet

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A child learns best when he’s free to learn in his own pace and in his own ways.

Mr. Two shaped my breast pump tube into this and he said, “Mommy, letter G! G for [his name]!”

Ask me how and where my Mr. Two first learnt about letters. He was almost 1.5 years old then. It was in a hotel in Manila. There was the “EXIT” sign on the lower part of the hallway wall. He traced each letter with his fingers while saying “Mommy?” or “Daddy?” as if he was asking us what it was. After only a couple of “trips” to that “EXIT” sign, he already knew that those four letters were E-X-I-T or T-I-X-E or I-T-X-E (yes, keep on reshuffling…it doesn’t matter).

I treated those “trips” to that sign as purely play but it turned out to be a learning opportunity for him.

As time went by, he would ask us the letters that he could see around. He’s now familiar with alphabet. He would usually name the letters that he’s seen…not always correct but he is most of the time.

Do I ask him to sit down and study or memorise the alphabet? No. Never. Is he a genius? I don’t think so.

How have I made him familiar with the alphabet? I let him be the child who plays and explores. I build up his curiosity. I take him out. We ride on a bus and train and ferry and I let him hold the tickets, which have letters and numbers printed on it. I give him the receipts from cafe or supermarket.

And of course, we sing the alphabet songs.

His fingers and the window with condensation are his pen and paper in the morning.

So in case you get frustrated because your four- or five-year-old child can’t tell you what letter it is that you are pointing at, play with him. Let him play. Let him explore. Go out. Find a stick or twig, use it as your pen and start writing the alphabet on the ground. Go to the beach and write the alphabet on the sand with your fingers or rocks.

Learning can be fun. Let learning happen naturally. Let your child learn how to learn. Let him have fun in learning. Let him play while learning. Let him learn through play. Let him be a child!

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining

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“Somehow, you need to cling to your optimism. Always look for the silver lining. Always look for the best in people. Try to see things through the eyes of a child. See the wonder in the simplest things. Never stop dreaming. Believe anything is possible.”
Richie Sambora

 

I am not always an optimist. I have my dark days too. I get stuck in dark tunnels too. When I cry, I cry hard and I cry for a long time…quietly. I cry when the whole world is asleep…

So that when everybody wakes up the next morning, all they see on my face is a smile… the smile of victory. I smile because deep inside I know I have defeated the pessimist me. I smile because I have begun moving forward again towards the light at the end of the dark tunnel where I got stuck.

It has been over a month now when I felt like something stole the motherhood in me. But recently I have realised that motherhood has never been stolen away from me. Although I have not been able to do almost everything that I used to do as the mother of my children, the mother in me has always loved them so dearly.

They say GBS has no cure. I say these two boys are the cure that any medical experts haven’t discovered yet.

I have realised that I have still sacrificed a lot as their mother. Putting them in a childcare centre has been a huge sacrifice for me. It had never been part of my plans to put them under the care of other people. However, it has been what is best not only for them but also for me and their Daddy. My husband has somehow been able to work for a little more hours for two weeks now (still not full time since he needs to take me to doctor sometimes). And I have been able to focus more on my recovery — therapies and my most needed rest.

My very young boys happily enjoying their freedom to explore the world away from me and their Daddy

Moreover, the best thing that has ever happened these days is how my young boys have seemed to be able to show their resilience and adaptability during this tough time that our family has been facing. I have even received a lot of overwhelmingly high praises about them. Nowadays, the world has seemed to make me realise how blest I’ve been with very beautiful children.

Yes, my children have always been the positive motivating force since they came into my life. I remember I even told my neurologists while I was crying to them for several times: “I wouldn’t mind and I wouldn’t care if I stay like this for the rest of my life if I’m not a mom. I could even die anytime soon. But I am a mother, you have to know what’s really going on because I’m sure once you know it, you’ll be able to tell me what we have to do and I will do every single thing that I will be asked to do.”

So now, I have three or four therapy sessions a week and I have different  sets of exercises that I need to do several times a day. And I don’t mind doing them all because that’s the only way for me to get back to being the kind of mother that I used to be.

Yesterday, I was able to hold my baby upright for several minutes…while sitting, of course. ❤❤❤

These days, I’ve been able to play a little with my boys when they are home. I’ve been able to (partially) change their nappies and clothes sometimes. And yesterday, I was able to hold my baby upright while sitting for several minutes after my husband handed him over to me. It was such a blissful moment!

Indeed, every cloud has a silver lining… even the darkest one. Yes, even the darkest cloud has a silver lining.