Tag Archives: parenthood

Parenting: To Each His Own

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This article has caught my attention big time! 

Each and every day, I come across an article or so about parenting — which is the better parenting style, breastfeeding vs bottlefeeding, normal vaginal delivery vs CS, and many more. If I read all of those articles and if I take all of them too seriously — not to mention all the unsolicited advices or comments around me — I would have already surrendered my children to the social welfare because I would have felt how terrible a parent I am.

But then, I have an answer to questions like that of this article.

The background of the news article… The article was written in a fairly well-balanced way though.

Here is my answer:

Each parent-child relationship is unique. Each family is unique. Each parent in the family is unique. Each child is unique. Thus, to each his own — we are all different folks with different strokes and we need to have different strokes for different folks.

I grew up with babysitters, with my aunts and with my grandma. Mama was working until I was in my 3rd grade. I spent more years with my grandma. I remember Papa had more time to spend with me than Mama. Did I ever think that they neglected me for choosing work over looking after me? No. I understood that they were working for our family… for me. How’s my development? Good in many aspects, I believe. Definitely imperfect! But who’s perfect?!

I’m now a stay-at-home parent. My boys are with me full time. Does it make them so much better than the kids left in childcare centres? I will never claim that. Again, each child is unique. Each child is equipped with a vast room within him where resilience and adaptability can grow that will help him thrive in different environments. I think those children who have been put in a childcare centre at an early age can have more advanced social skills than my boys who have been so used to just having me with them most of the time. That is the reason why I take them to a Playcentre and I welcome their friends to our house for play dates.

Does being a stay-at-home mom make me a better parent than my sister-in-law who’s a flight attendant based in a country that’s different from where her son lives? No!!! We have completely different challenges when it comes to parenting. But we are both challenged and we are both doing our best to overcome those challenges. We have our own different ways of showing how much we love and care for our children but we definitely love and care for our own children.

I believe every choice that we make as parents has pros and cons. Each decision as a parent can lead us to sacrificing something at one point or another. Each action that we take as parents can provoke other people to judge or should I say misjudge us.

But the truth is that there are NO “one size fits all” rules in parenting. We cannot force one parent to stay at home full time for the children if the other parent is already exhausting himself to make both ends meet (like our case nowadays).

If we will believe in all results from every parenting/child development-related study, we are going to get drowned in so much guilt. What I believe is that being a good parent is doing what we believe is best, not only for our children, but for our whole family — that includes ourselves, the parents.

Again, to each his own. And to all the intellectuals in our society, I’m hoping for some empathy and compassion from you since parenting itself — putting our children to sleep, dealing with wet and soiled nappies at least five times a day, trying to avoid every toy on the floor so as not to hurt our already tired bodies, understanding all our children’s “big emotions”, and the gazillions of whatever we have to think of and do as parents — can already drive us crazy.

So yes, some empathy and compassion, please!

Our Spirit of Battle Turns 1

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Our “spirit of battle” was born on 28 July 2016 at 2:07pm.

Today, 28 July 2017, marks the 1st birthday of our “Spirit of Battle”. Yes, that’s the meaning of his name and he truly deserves it because it feels like he has already won several battles in life.

It was a day before we left Philippines when we visited there in late 2015 when my husband and I found out that I was carrying our second child. We didn’t tell anyone yet during that time as it was still too early and we wanted it to be confirmed by our GP here. It was unexpected. It was unplanned. But it’s true that best things and greatest blessings come unexpectedly.

While he was still in my tummy, we so fondly called him G2 since our firstborn’s name starts with letter G. We were supposed to name him Xavier but a day before he was born I discovered his name when I tried to find a variation of the word cadence, which means harmony. Indeed, Caden was meant to be his name.

Three months before he was born, the doctors found out that there’s a possibility of him coming out prematurely after I fell over. I had to stay in the hospital for a couple of days back then because I needed to be injected with steroids that could help his lungs cope well in case he’d come out that early. And within the whole last trimester of my pregnancy, we had to be closely monitored by a maternity team because he seemed to be not growing well inside my womb and the blood flow in his brain seemed to be not enough. Thankfully, he stayed inside my womb for until almost 39 weeks.

Although it was a natural birth and without epidural, it was a more difficult labour and birth. I almost asked my midwife to cut my tummy a few hours before he came out because it felt like I was going to have an asthma attack. I asked for the gas instead. Then it felt like the precious little one fought with me and just pushed himself out and made it easier for me.

Our very precious blessing has always been a resilient fighter. ❤️❤️❤️

When he came out, he cried very quietly and only for a short time. He was able to latch on so easily as if he really knew what to do to be able to drink milk. But then, his temperature and his blood sugar level were very low so he was put in an incubator for four hours. Afterwards, we were good to go to the birthcare. It was a very bad timing to transfer from hospital to birthcare because it’s winter and his temperature should not go low again and, worse, it was rush hour and the traffic was awful but we needed to be in the birthcare within thirty minutes because he had to be monitored again.

He’s been a quiet, happy and contented baby most of the time.

Then weeks and months went by. We were successful in breastfeeding. He had a great daily routine that enabled me to still spend time with his kuya and to do other house chores. I was able to come back to Playcentre after 3 months and he was coming with us too. He enjoyed his first Christmas and New Year.

But after he turned 5 months old, he had to experience heaps of changes and adjustments because I got so ill. He stayed with me in the hospital for four days because I was still breastfeeding him but we had to abruptly stop it and to start him with formula exclusively. Surely, he also felt the stress and worries that our family had undergone during the following months. He even had to stay in another house then in a childcare centre during the day for several months because I couldn’t look after him and my husband would have to work of course.

Within those months, it felt like I missed many of his firsts. One day, I just realised that he was already crawling then sitting up. Time went by faster and he began standing up then toddling and now walking. He’s already got his own ways of communicating with us. He loves music. He likes dancing and bouncing up and down. And we love his smiles. Oh, we love him so dearly!

Despite all the challenges, here he is now — still happy and thriving so well– a very active boy growing up into a determined and resilient man.

And today, he turns 1! ❤️❤️❤️

 

 

A Very Important Word in Every Parent-Child Relationship

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Yesterday was one of those days when I felt like I was about to erupt like a volcano. Mr. Three was causing heaps of mischiefs and was showing a few misbehaviour while all that Mr. Eleven Months wanted to do was to be physically attached to me.

The moment came when I was really about to explode. I could feel all my blood rushing to my head and my face turned hot and I was sure it turned bloody red. Yes, I was so angry like this: 😡!

I was sitting on one end of the couch holding the baby brother. I knew I was giving Mr. Three an ultimate piercing gaze and I was grinding my teeth so hard while pushing my lips so tight against each other to keep my mouth shut. Who knew what I could have uttered if I let myself talk or even scream at that time?!

On the other end of the couch was Mr. Three. He was starting to cry. Within a few minutes, he exclaimed:

“I understand you, Mommy! I understand! I understand you’re galit (anger). I understand you’re galit (angry) me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Mommy.” He was already sobbing at that time.

Seeing him and hearing his words calmed me down big time. It softened my heart and somehow cleared my mind. I opened my arm to invite him to come to me. He ran up to me and hugged me. He was still sobbing and telling me that he’s sorry. I hugged him so tight and kissed him.

After all our heavy emotions subsided and our lounge had been filled with peace and calmness, I realised Mr. Three perfectly mirrored what I have been doing to him whenever he’s dealing with huge unpleasant emotions.

There have been many times when I didn’t know what to say when he’s having a tremendous outburst of emotions and all I could say was:

“I UNDERSTAND. I totally UNDERSTAND you.”

More often than not, I say that even if I don’t really understand him. I say that hoping that he’d calm down. I say that hoping that he’d help me to know what has really been going on. I say that hoping that I could really understand him so we can regain the peace that was lost at that moment.

So perhaps Mr. Three didn’t know what to do or say yesterday as well but he wanted me to calm down and he wanted us to simply start over again in peace.

I have read a lot about how to deal with a child’s “tantrums” or whatever the people would like to call that. 99.9% of the “experts” said that empathising is the most effective way. I think empathy can work effectively but, personally, I’m not sure if I have already learnt how to empathise effectively or, moreso, sincerely.

It was written by many that we can effectively calm down a child by saying: “I can see that you’re sad/upset/angry. I understand how you feel or what you’re going through.” I have tried these statements but, at the back of my mind, I was asking myself: “What if this child is not upset? What if he’s not really sad? What if he’s just hungry? What if he just wants to play something else? And what if he just wants me?”

Sometimes, I change the “recommended statements” a bit into:

“I understand you. I totally understand you. But can you tell Mommy why you’re crying/why you did that? Are you sad or upset or scared or angry? What made you sad/upset/angry, etc.?”

It can calm him down and, at the same time, we can talk about how he feels or what actually happened.

But most of the time, I can only say:

“I UNDERSTAND. I totally UNDERSTAND you.”

Then I give him a big tight hug. And it’s effective. Because who doesn’t want to be understood? Even us, adults, long for others to understand us.

I think that, next to love and more than anything else, our children need us to UNDERSTAND them. And based on what happened to us yesterday, our children will also UNDERSTAND us when we make them feel that we UNDERSTAND them.

***If you’re curious what Mr. Three had done that made me so angry, let me just put it this way: He’d been so used to having all of me almost all the time for two years and then, one day, another precious being came to his life and this wee one needs and wants all of me too. Mr. Three has always been a good and kind boy, or even brother, but he has been experiencing a very common emotion these days — jealousy. This time I’m sure that it’s jealousy because when they’re left in a room together all alone by themselves, they laugh and play together as if they’re best of friends but when I’m in the same room, it usually becomes chaotic.***

The Garage

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When our Mr. Three woke up from his afternoon nap last Saturday, he said:

“Mommy, I slept well. Let’s go to toys. I’ll buy the garage.”

I just woke up too and my brain wasn’t functioning well yet at that time. I tried hard to comprehend what he was saying because neither my husband nor I mentioned that we’re going to a toy store that day.

Then I remembered that almost a month ago, the day before his birthday, we went to “his toys store” and he saw a really huge toy garage. I knew he liked it but I was glad that he was OK when I told him that we wouldn’t buy that.

The toy garage that Mr. Three wants to buy

I told him, “We can go to toy store now but we can’t buy the garage because it’s too expensive and we don’t have enough money to buy that.”

He said, “I have money. It’s in my yellow elephant, Mommy. We can get my coins and go to the toys store and buy the garage!”

I replied to him, “I’m not sure if that’s enough for you to be able to buy the garage. We can get the coins from your yellow elephant and see if it’s enough. We need $200 (the regular price; it’s now discounted for 50%) to buy that garage. If there’s $200 or more, we can buy the garage. But it looks like you’ve only had $10. How about we save more coins and when you have $200 in your elephant we can buy your garage?”

Mr. Three’s yellow elephant

He started to cry. It was the first time that he cried like that over a toy. It broke my heart. I could feel how much he liked that toy garage. I wanted to give in.

But then, I did not. It was not all about the money after all. It was about helping our young boy to learn some important lessons in life.

1. He needs to learn the difference between needs and wants. We do our best to provide our children everything that they need but we don’t give them everything that they want.

2. He needs to learn to “work” to get what he wants. This time it’s just saving the coins that I give him to put into his yellow elephant from time to time. I don’t regularly give him coins. Those coins are just the change from my allowance when we go out. He doesn’t really have his own allowance yet and we don’t give him coins as a reward. We don’t actually give them any rewards for their good deeds because they have to do good deeds without expecting any reward.

3. He needs to learn to have patience and self-control. This time, he and his Daddy agreed that they’ll wait until Christmas before he can buy that garage. So he still has 5 months to save for that garage. I had to wait for two years before I had the piano/keyboard that I was dreaming to have since I was in 4th grade. I received my piano as a graduation gift and it was only because I met the “requirement” that Papa and Lola set for me to achieve in grade school. Yes, it took TWO long years!

4. He needs to know that we are not supposed to spend that much for something that he only wants just like that. So he needs to “work” and be patient to have that. Even if we have enough money to buy such, I wouldn’t easily spend that much for something that he doesn’t really need. And honestly, we are not in the position to spend that much for a toy. The most expensive toy that we have bought for him was his balance bike, which was only $50 because that was a secondhand bike.

5. He can use his creativity and imagination while playing instead of having an instant toy like that. I remember how much I wanted to have a Barbie house. I never had the pink house with a “Barbie” mark but, as I grew older, I managed to make different houses for my Barbie dolls out of Lego or boxes. I never felt deprived; instead, I felt happy and proud each time that I made a house for my Barbie dolls.

 

As much as I want to give my sons everything, I know my husband and I don’t have to actually give them every material thing that they want. We provide what they need but not everything that they want. We don’t deprive them but we don’t want them to grow up believing that they’re entitled to get everything that they want. As I admitted earlier, it broke my heart when I refused to give him what he wanted but I know it will break my heart more if he grows up not being able to learn the important lessons in life.

For now, the toy garage is an item that has been added to our family agenda’s parking lot.

A Great Village To Raise Children

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It was 2nd of February in 2015 when we came to Hillsborough Playcentre for our first visit. That was my 33rd birthday. My firstborn was about to turn 8 months old then.

Photos during our first visit at Hillsborough Playcentre

Coming from a country where most children grow up attached not only to our parents and siblings but also to our grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins (as a matter of fact, to our neighbours as well), we felt like our child was missing something in his life. Although I knew that my son will eventually go to school where he’ll meet new people, I have believed that he would also need to be around other people during his preschool years. But then, being migrants here, it was just me and my son in the house during weekdays and it’s usually just me, my husband and our son during weekends. Physically, we have neighbours but, to be honest, we haven’t met our neighbours until now. And although I knew he needed to be around other people apart from me, I never wanted to put him in a childcare centre and he’s too young for kindy. I tried to join in playgroups but I wasn’t lucky to find a group that I could be comfortable with because the first groups that I encountered were with moms who would put their children down with toys and other babies then would just start to chat about the challenges in motherhood. In my mind, I was screaming, “I already know it’s hard to be a mom and I came here so that my child and I could have people to interact and play with. I brought my child here not to be talked about!”

So my husband and I had a hard time figuring out what to do. Personally, I wanted to go to a place where I wouldn’t have to leave my child behind, a place where he would not have to come and stay for long hours, a place where he can discover and develop himself — his own interests, his own skills. I wanted to take him to a place where he wouldn’t be directed what to do, a place where he can choose what, when, where, with whom and how to play. I wanted to take him to a place where I could be a part of making decisions on how to help my child learn and thrive. I wanted to go to a place with my child where we could have fun together.

For several months as we would drive on the road where our house is, I could always see the “Playcentre” signage. When I was already desperate to find an option for my son, that signage came to my mind so I researched about it and here’s what it says on their website:

If at this point, you want to know more about Hillsborough Playcentre, here are their website and Facebook page.

Everything that I had read about them appealed to me. It felt like that was exactly what I wanted. So I made an enquiry and I was invited for a visit.

Then came our first visit. Right then and there, I already wanted to join. The place was totally awesome — an indoor space where children could freely choose the toys, puzzles, costumes and books, a huge outdoor area where children could freely move around and explore. I saw children in costumes — princesses, animals, superheroes. I heard children laughing, talking to each other and even planning about their play dates. The moms whom I spoke with were all praises for the centre. They all sounded happy — both adults and children. They allowed me and my son to simply experience how it is to be at Playcentre. And yes, we joined in.

I believe joining Hillsborough Playcentre is one of the best decisions that my husband and I have made. I have seen how our son has learnt and developed over the past two and a half years that we’re at Playcentre. He’s got people whom he calls his friends and those whom he calls friends are not only children but also the children’s moms (and a few dads).

Moreover, my husband and I have found our own friends from Playcentre — well, not only friends… we have found a family… a great village where we would love to raise our children.

In the past two and a half years, we got to have fun with them not only in the centre but also in the parks, ferry rides, parties, etc.. Our firstborn celebrated all his first three birthdays with them. Then I got pregnant and gave birth to our 2nd son. Each day for two weeks, each member family took turns in bringing a home-cooked meal for us. When I had to rush my firstborn to the hospital, a Playcentre friend rushed to our house to look after our baby. When I got sick earlier this year, our Playcentre friends helped us in looking after our children. Yes, our Hillsborough Playcentre family has been one of our main support groups during those challenging times.

But due to the illness that badly hit me this year, I had to make a very sad decision. We’ve got to stop from coming to “our village” at the moment but with the hope of being able to come back perhaps after two or three terms. Although they have wanted us to stay and have offered us several different options and great support, I still decided to leave because I can feel that I won’t be able to give the same commitment that I would always love to give and I don’t want to be unfair to the community who has been giving their best for us.

Moreso, I know in my heart that, more than anything else, my children need a strong and healthy mother. Our own family needs me to be the strongest and healthiest that I can be. And I know that once I get back to my healthiest state, we are going to come back to the village that we have loved so dearly.

A farewell card is the last thing I want to receive from Hillsborough Playcentre.

For now, it’s au revoir… til we meet again, our beloved Hillsborough Playcentre! ❤️❤️❤️