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How It Is To Live And Raise A Family in New Zealand (1st Part of Part 2: Our Family, A Team…The Beginning)

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Disclaimer: As what I put on Part 1, Everything that’s written here is based on our own family’s experiences and based on my perspective and preferences. This is the  first of the series where I’ll write about how we live (or survive perhaps) as a family away from our families and relatives in the Philippines.

The bridal car that our friend decorated

My husband and I got married here. We did 90% of our wedding preparations. We coordinated with the church where we wanted to get married. We searched together for the venue where we wanted to have our reception. We made our own invitations. We bought my gown and his suit together. I personalised the wedding ceremony that was shared to us by our priest/celebrant. My husband prepared the playlist of all the songs for both the ceremony and reception. One day before our wedding, we were travelling around Auckland to purchase all the flowers that were arranged free of charge by a very kind family friend. On that same day, we picked up the bridal car that we rented. Then I went to the house of my aunt-in-law where I slept that night.

My lovely bridal bouquet that was superbly arranged by our long-time close family friend

Wedding Day. I woke up early in the morning. Yes, I was able to sleep well because I got exhausted from everything that we had to do in the past weeks or perhaps months. I had breakfast, prepared all that I needed, took a bath and had lunch. Then I started to style my hair and to do my own make-up. Yes, I didn’t have a hairstylist and/or a make-up artist but I had my matron-of-honour and a bridesmaid who assisted me. My cousin-in-law put the nail polish on me the night before. I put my gown and veil on. One and a half hour before the wedding, I was all set and ready to go to the church. I loved how all my preparations that day all went. I was relaxed because I was able to do everything my way — particularly my hair and make-up!

The church aisle where I walked down on my own

***All photos posted here were taken by a friend photographer. She and her partner gifted us with their time, effort and energy to become our wedding photographer and videographer.***

One of our godfathers drove me to the church. I didn’t have my family or any relatives here even during our wedding. I walked down the aisle on my own. However, I was still fortunate enough to have a close family friend living here for nearly a decade to wait for me at the front and to hand me over to my groom at the altar. The wedding ceremony went on as we wished — simple and solemn with some laughters.

It actually takes three to tango when it comes to marriage — husband, wife and God.

It was a beautiful summer day in this country where my husband and I have chosen to build our own family.

Our reception was simple yet elegant as planned. It was in a marquee installed outside a restaurant that served our food. We all enjoyed our individual pre-ordered three-course meals. Yes, we asked our guests to inform us about their choice of the set of meal when they RSVP’d because we limited our number of guests to 50 for financial reason of course. Then we had a simple programme — cutting of the wedding cake, first dance as husband and wife, throwing of bouquet and garter, a song performance by a friend, and a couple of speeches.  Two of our friends volunteered themselves to become the emcees.

Our beautiful wedding cake that was baked and gifted to us by our godmother

I decided to write about our wedding as part of the blog series that I have been striving to complete because, through our wedding, my husband and I were able to practice one very important trait of New Zealanders — that is their “do-it-yourself” attitude. And through our wedding, we felt and witnessed another very wonderful attitude of the people here in New Zealand — that is helping one another without expecting for any return. Last and most importantly, our wedding was an undoubtedly great event in our lives here in New Zealand not only because it was our wedding but because, through our wedding, my husband and I truly worked as a team — a team that is still being strengthened through life’s trials and challenges.

Since day 1, my husband and I have been working hand in hand as a team.

Yes, We are husband and wife… We are a family… We are a team. And teamwork has indeed helped us to survive in our very challenging life away from our families and relatives back in the Philippines.

How It Is To Live and Raise A Family in New Zealand (Part 1: The Economics)

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Disclaimer: Everything that’s written here is based on our own family’s experiences and based on my perspective and preferences. This is just the first part and this post is more about the financial aspect.

South Island, New Zealand (2014)

First, let me give you a background of how and why we came here.

It was in 2011 when my then-boyfriend told me he wanted to come here in New Zealand to see whether or not he would love to live and work here. With my do-what-you-want-and-what-you-think-is-right-for-you attitude, I simply agreed. Because we’re after what’s practical, he came here first while I continue with my life and work back in the Philippines. He came here in early 2012 with a visa that did not restrict him from applying for a job and he was fortunate enough to find one. Fast forward to mid-2013, I came here trusting his judgment that NZ is a great place to live and build a family. Fast forward a little bit more to January 2014, I got pregnant and we got married. And now we have two boys already with two years and a month age gap.

So how’s our life now here in New Zealand?

Three words: HARD YET BEAUTIFUL.

I can’t give you separate reasons for why it is hard and why it is beautiful because hard and beautiful seem to be inseparable to describe our life here. Hardships lead us to life’s beauty. For every beautiful aspirations that we have, we need to go through hardships.

This is what I would honestly say to anyone considering to migrate here in NZ:

If your main goal is to become wealthy, I doubt that you can achieve it here unless you are single and not planning to start a family anytime soon. If your main concern is your family with you being the best provider of material things, you come alone and work here then let your family stay in the Philippines. If your main goal is to provide a better environment to your family and better education to your children without having to pay hundred thousands of pesos a year for the tuition, come here BUT… be ready to live in the simplest and most practical way as possible.

Financially speaking, it is hard to survive here. Most Filipino couples here that we know are both working. In our case, my husband has been the sole provider and I am a stay-at-home mom. At first, it was by choice because we never want to put our young children (3 years old and 1 year old) in childcare centre and none of our parents would stay here to look after our children full-time. Now it is hard for me at the moment to work even if I want to and even if we need to since I got sick this year.

Putting our children for full time in a childcare centre will cost us at least $400 (around 14k pesos) per week. If my child gets sick while he’s under their care, I would have to take a leave from work to pick him up from the centre while still paying the full amount.

Renting a decent 2-bedroom house here in Auckland would usually cost at least $400 per week (if you’re lucky like us). That’s around 60k pesos per month excluding the utilities (electricity, water, phone, internet). Our weekly groceries would usually range between $150 to $200 (5k to 7k pesos). As much as my judgment is concerned, we are already being thrifty while minding our family’s, particularly our children’s, health and well-being. Food is really expensive here but both me and my husband were raised in households where food and nutrition should never be sacrificed.

Do we still go for shopping? Yes, to purchase our children’s needs. For me and my husband? Rarely. Most of my clothes are either from the Philippines (the ones I brought here back in 2013 and the ones that were given to me by my mom-in-law and sister) or hand-me-down clothes from my husband’s aunt. I haven’t even bought any cosmetics in the last 3 years. Shoes? One in a year and I go for bargains…up to $20 (700 pesos). Bag? Yes, a nappy bag that we have been using for 3 years already. My engagement ring doesn’t have diamond or any stone and our marriage rings are from Philippines. And my phone is still an iphone5s.

Going out and about, we go for bus and train, especially if we’re going to CBD, since the parking fees are tremendously awful. We occasionally ride in a taxi or even the likes of uber.

We rarely eat in restaurants now. We would pack our lunch as much as possible whenever we go out. If we’re not able to, we either buy from takeaways or you can find us in a foodcourt.

You might say, “I’m sure the salaries/wages there are high.” No! It might sound big if you convert it to pesos but go back to the above-mentioned expenses then think if the net salary here is really high.  Plus we need to pay really huge amount of tax.

Sounds hard? Yes, it is hard. So why are we still here? It is our decision. It is mainly for our children.

I gave birth to my two boys free of charge. The only prenatal service that we had to pay were the ultrasounds. The healthcare providers even come to our house for postnatal check-ups and for the regular check-ups of our children since they know that I can’t drive. Immunisations are free. They are being checked and treated by our GP (family doctor) for free and that’s until they’re 12 years old. We don’t even have to pay for our admissions to the hospital. Their dental treatments are free until they’re 18. Schools here are not as expensive as the private schools there in the Philippines.

If we want to take them to museum, it’s free. If we want to go to the beach, we can go anytime for as long as our car has enough petrol or we have extra for bus fares. We don’t have to pay for the beach resort entrance. All beaches are open for public for free. Playgrounds and parks are open for public and they’re free of charge. We were able to feed the lambs for free. Almost every suburb has a public library from where we can borrow several books at a time for a month all free of charge.

Considering all of these, we may not have all the material things that other migrant workers or OFW can purchase but we are sure that our children have the opportunities to gain knowledge and wonderful experiences from going to museum, parks and beaches, and from being able to read several different books in their lifetime even if our family is low on budget. And that is what’s most important to us.

In the next part, I will talk about how we are coping as a family while living away from our families and relatives back in the Philippines.

Our Spirit of Battle Turns 1

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Our “spirit of battle” was born on 28 July 2016 at 2:07pm.

Today, 28 July 2017, marks the 1st birthday of our “Spirit of Battle”. Yes, that’s the meaning of his name and he truly deserves it because it feels like he has already won several battles in life.

It was a day before we left Philippines when we visited there in late 2015 when my husband and I found out that I was carrying our second child. We didn’t tell anyone yet during that time as it was still too early and we wanted it to be confirmed by our GP here. It was unexpected. It was unplanned. But it’s true that best things and greatest blessings come unexpectedly.

While he was still in my tummy, we so fondly called him G2 since our firstborn’s name starts with letter G. We were supposed to name him Xavier but a day before he was born I discovered his name when I tried to find a variation of the word cadence, which means harmony. Indeed, Caden was meant to be his name.

Three months before he was born, the doctors found out that there’s a possibility of him coming out prematurely after I fell over. I had to stay in the hospital for a couple of days back then because I needed to be injected with steroids that could help his lungs cope well in case he’d come out that early. And within the whole last trimester of my pregnancy, we had to be closely monitored by a maternity team because he seemed to be not growing well inside my womb and the blood flow in his brain seemed to be not enough. Thankfully, he stayed inside my womb for until almost 39 weeks.

Although it was a natural birth and without epidural, it was a more difficult labour and birth. I almost asked my midwife to cut my tummy a few hours before he came out because it felt like I was going to have an asthma attack. I asked for the gas instead. Then it felt like the precious little one fought with me and just pushed himself out and made it easier for me.

Our very precious blessing has always been a resilient fighter. ❤️❤️❤️

When he came out, he cried very quietly and only for a short time. He was able to latch on so easily as if he really knew what to do to be able to drink milk. But then, his temperature and his blood sugar level were very low so he was put in an incubator for four hours. Afterwards, we were good to go to the birthcare. It was a very bad timing to transfer from hospital to birthcare because it’s winter and his temperature should not go low again and, worse, it was rush hour and the traffic was awful but we needed to be in the birthcare within thirty minutes because he had to be monitored again.

He’s been a quiet, happy and contented baby most of the time.

Then weeks and months went by. We were successful in breastfeeding. He had a great daily routine that enabled me to still spend time with his kuya and to do other house chores. I was able to come back to Playcentre after 3 months and he was coming with us too. He enjoyed his first Christmas and New Year.

But after he turned 5 months old, he had to experience heaps of changes and adjustments because I got so ill. He stayed with me in the hospital for four days because I was still breastfeeding him but we had to abruptly stop it and to start him with formula exclusively. Surely, he also felt the stress and worries that our family had undergone during the following months. He even had to stay in another house then in a childcare centre during the day for several months because I couldn’t look after him and my husband would have to work of course.

Within those months, it felt like I missed many of his firsts. One day, I just realised that he was already crawling then sitting up. Time went by faster and he began standing up then toddling and now walking. He’s already got his own ways of communicating with us. He loves music. He likes dancing and bouncing up and down. And we love his smiles. Oh, we love him so dearly!

Despite all the challenges, here he is now — still happy and thriving so well– a very active boy growing up into a determined and resilient man.

And today, he turns 1! ❤️❤️❤️

 

 

A Very Important Word in Every Parent-Child Relationship

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Yesterday was one of those days when I felt like I was about to erupt like a volcano. Mr. Three was causing heaps of mischiefs and was showing a few misbehaviour while all that Mr. Eleven Months wanted to do was to be physically attached to me.

The moment came when I was really about to explode. I could feel all my blood rushing to my head and my face turned hot and I was sure it turned bloody red. Yes, I was so angry like this: 😡!

I was sitting on one end of the couch holding the baby brother. I knew I was giving Mr. Three an ultimate piercing gaze and I was grinding my teeth so hard while pushing my lips so tight against each other to keep my mouth shut. Who knew what I could have uttered if I let myself talk or even scream at that time?!

On the other end of the couch was Mr. Three. He was starting to cry. Within a few minutes, he exclaimed:

“I understand you, Mommy! I understand! I understand you’re galit (anger). I understand you’re galit (angry) me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Mommy.” He was already sobbing at that time.

Seeing him and hearing his words calmed me down big time. It softened my heart and somehow cleared my mind. I opened my arm to invite him to come to me. He ran up to me and hugged me. He was still sobbing and telling me that he’s sorry. I hugged him so tight and kissed him.

After all our heavy emotions subsided and our lounge had been filled with peace and calmness, I realised Mr. Three perfectly mirrored what I have been doing to him whenever he’s dealing with huge unpleasant emotions.

There have been many times when I didn’t know what to say when he’s having a tremendous outburst of emotions and all I could say was:

“I UNDERSTAND. I totally UNDERSTAND you.”

More often than not, I say that even if I don’t really understand him. I say that hoping that he’d calm down. I say that hoping that he’d help me to know what has really been going on. I say that hoping that I could really understand him so we can regain the peace that was lost at that moment.

So perhaps Mr. Three didn’t know what to do or say yesterday as well but he wanted me to calm down and he wanted us to simply start over again in peace.

I have read a lot about how to deal with a child’s “tantrums” or whatever the people would like to call that. 99.9% of the “experts” said that empathising is the most effective way. I think empathy can work effectively but, personally, I’m not sure if I have already learnt how to empathise effectively or, moreso, sincerely.

It was written by many that we can effectively calm down a child by saying: “I can see that you’re sad/upset/angry. I understand how you feel or what you’re going through.” I have tried these statements but, at the back of my mind, I was asking myself: “What if this child is not upset? What if he’s not really sad? What if he’s just hungry? What if he just wants to play something else? And what if he just wants me?”

Sometimes, I change the “recommended statements” a bit into:

“I understand you. I totally understand you. But can you tell Mommy why you’re crying/why you did that? Are you sad or upset or scared or angry? What made you sad/upset/angry, etc.?”

It can calm him down and, at the same time, we can talk about how he feels or what actually happened.

But most of the time, I can only say:

“I UNDERSTAND. I totally UNDERSTAND you.”

Then I give him a big tight hug. And it’s effective. Because who doesn’t want to be understood? Even us, adults, long for others to understand us.

I think that, next to love and more than anything else, our children need us to UNDERSTAND them. And based on what happened to us yesterday, our children will also UNDERSTAND us when we make them feel that we UNDERSTAND them.

***If you’re curious what Mr. Three had done that made me so angry, let me just put it this way: He’d been so used to having all of me almost all the time for two years and then, one day, another precious being came to his life and this wee one needs and wants all of me too. Mr. Three has always been a good and kind boy, or even brother, but he has been experiencing a very common emotion these days — jealousy. This time I’m sure that it’s jealousy because when they’re left in a room together all alone by themselves, they laugh and play together as if they’re best of friends but when I’m in the same room, it usually becomes chaotic.***

The Garage

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When our Mr. Three woke up from his afternoon nap last Saturday, he said:

“Mommy, I slept well. Let’s go to toys. I’ll buy the garage.”

I just woke up too and my brain wasn’t functioning well yet at that time. I tried hard to comprehend what he was saying because neither my husband nor I mentioned that we’re going to a toy store that day.

Then I remembered that almost a month ago, the day before his birthday, we went to “his toys store” and he saw a really huge toy garage. I knew he liked it but I was glad that he was OK when I told him that we wouldn’t buy that.

The toy garage that Mr. Three wants to buy

I told him, “We can go to toy store now but we can’t buy the garage because it’s too expensive and we don’t have enough money to buy that.”

He said, “I have money. It’s in my yellow elephant, Mommy. We can get my coins and go to the toys store and buy the garage!”

I replied to him, “I’m not sure if that’s enough for you to be able to buy the garage. We can get the coins from your yellow elephant and see if it’s enough. We need $200 (the regular price; it’s now discounted for 50%) to buy that garage. If there’s $200 or more, we can buy the garage. But it looks like you’ve only had $10. How about we save more coins and when you have $200 in your elephant we can buy your garage?”

Mr. Three’s yellow elephant

He started to cry. It was the first time that he cried like that over a toy. It broke my heart. I could feel how much he liked that toy garage. I wanted to give in.

But then, I did not. It was not all about the money after all. It was about helping our young boy to learn some important lessons in life.

1. He needs to learn the difference between needs and wants. We do our best to provide our children everything that they need but we don’t give them everything that they want.

2. He needs to learn to “work” to get what he wants. This time it’s just saving the coins that I give him to put into his yellow elephant from time to time. I don’t regularly give him coins. Those coins are just the change from my allowance when we go out. He doesn’t really have his own allowance yet and we don’t give him coins as a reward. We don’t actually give them any rewards for their good deeds because they have to do good deeds without expecting any reward.

3. He needs to learn to have patience and self-control. This time, he and his Daddy agreed that they’ll wait until Christmas before he can buy that garage. So he still has 5 months to save for that garage. I had to wait for two years before I had the piano/keyboard that I was dreaming to have since I was in 4th grade. I received my piano as a graduation gift and it was only because I met the “requirement” that Papa and Lola set for me to achieve in grade school. Yes, it took TWO long years!

4. He needs to know that we are not supposed to spend that much for something that he only wants just like that. So he needs to “work” and be patient to have that. Even if we have enough money to buy such, I wouldn’t easily spend that much for something that he doesn’t really need. And honestly, we are not in the position to spend that much for a toy. The most expensive toy that we have bought for him was his balance bike, which was only $50 because that was a secondhand bike.

5. He can use his creativity and imagination while playing instead of having an instant toy like that. I remember how much I wanted to have a Barbie house. I never had the pink house with a “Barbie” mark but, as I grew older, I managed to make different houses for my Barbie dolls out of Lego or boxes. I never felt deprived; instead, I felt happy and proud each time that I made a house for my Barbie dolls.

 

As much as I want to give my sons everything, I know my husband and I don’t have to actually give them every material thing that they want. We provide what they need but not everything that they want. We don’t deprive them but we don’t want them to grow up believing that they’re entitled to get everything that they want. As I admitted earlier, it broke my heart when I refused to give him what he wanted but I know it will break my heart more if he grows up not being able to learn the important lessons in life.

For now, the toy garage is an item that has been added to our family agenda’s parking lot.