Tag Archives: mother and son

I Miss The Mother That I Was

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It was in the last quarter of 2013 when I learnt that I was pregnant with my first child. From then on, every single aspect of my life started to change.

Although I’ve still had plans for my own future, my family, particularly my children, became my topmost priority. My husband and I agreed that I stay at home full time to look after our children. We joined in Playcentre where I became not only a mother to my children but their first educator too.

Although I sometimes miss my life before I became a mother, I have loved being one. No matter how exhausting it could be sometimes, being a mother has given me so much joy. Motherhood has made me experience what true happiness is even if it meant sacrificing a lot. It has made me feel that I’m finally fulfilling my real purpose in life after pursuing too many different options in the past.

Despite the two difficult pregnancies and childbirths, it felt like everything was in the right place. Despite our daily struggles, it felt like we’re living a beautiful life.

I managed to still continue completing another course at Playcentre. I managed to attend the Playcentre sessions with a toddler and a baby. I managed to enjoy working with the other Playcentre parents. I felt like I was already on the right path to fulfill my all-time ambition of becoming a preschool teacher too.

And then a little over five months after giving birth to my second child, something happened in my body. My immune system messed up with my nerves and muscles. It has made me weak and incapable of performing my tasks. At first, I thought it affected only my lower extremities and swallowing. During my fourth day in the hospital, I couldn’t keep up carrying my baby like I used to. Fifth day came and I couldn’t lift him up from the bed anymore. Sixth day came and my upper extremities were already struggling in changing my boys’ nappies. And I had to completely stop breastfeeding.

Deep inside, I was agreeing with my doctors that I should stay in the hospital but I did my best to convince them to allow me to go home. I was itching to go home because all I wanted was to be with my boys day and night. But I was wrong.

Today is the third day that my husband has to drive our baby to a different house to be looked after by a very kind couple for almost nine hours while I’m at home. Today, we are going to visit a preschool where we can enrol our firstborn, which was totally not part of our plans for the very near future.

I decided not to work to become a full-time stay-at-home mother. But now, I’ve not been able to take on that role. I’ve missed carrying my baby. I’m afraid I’m not going to witness the first time that he’ll crawl or even the first time that he’ll try to stand up or sit up. I’m afraid I won’t be the one to guide him in taking his first steps.

But I have to be honest and, yes, to be gentle with myself. I am not the best person to look after my boys at the moment and neither is my husband since he needs to work. All these unwanted decisions are for the well-being of everyone in our family. I can get enough rest and time that I need to focus on my recovery. My baby will be looked after better and he can have as much cuddles as he needs. My preschooler can play in the best way possible without being disappointed when he wants me to play with him but I can’t. And my husband can focus at work.

I believe that this too shall pass but I pray that it is going to be really, really soon. I only want to do the things that I was doing as a mother. I tremendously miss being the mother that I used to be.

I Wish You Came Into My Life 15 Years Ago

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I was born when your grandma was only 22 years old. She was working then. I can still remember I had Yaya Two and Yaya Uding (well, she’s actually my beloved late Tita Uding). Most likely, I had Yaya One since I had Yaya Two. As I grew up, I had to live with your great grandma and your Mama Beth and Lola Nini (my aunts) because Lola Weng was working. Eventually, your grandma had to stop working despite having a grand promotion at hand because your grandpa wanted her to become a housewife to look after me, your uncle and aunt.

Because of that, I promised myself not to get pregnant until I achieved all my career goals and until I got tired of hanging out with my friends. And I succeeded. I didn’t get pregnant until I was 32 with my boyfriend then for 8 years who has been my husband and now your Daddy.

But now that I’ve been this sick and weak, I wish I had you 15 years ago. By now, I would’ve already taken you to several different places and countries. I would’ve seen you join and even win in different competitions. I would’ve watched you join in championships in different sports. I would’ve watched you in musical or dance recitals or even in stage plays. I would’ve now been looking at your framed certificates of appreciation for being such good friends to your classmates. I would’ve heard too many praises from your friends’ parents. And I would’ve even been called by the school principal because, yeah, you were involved in a fight!

But it would’ve been totally different if you came into my life 15 years ago. I might have been a totally different person then. I might have been a completely different mother. I might have not made the choices that I’ve made now as your Mommy. I might’ve been a working mom. And you might’ve been spending most of your preschool days with different people because I was in the office climbing a corporate ladder.

And you might’ve been not the kinds of boys that you are now and I wouldn’t like it. I love exactly what and how you have been. So, I’m glad you came when I was already excited about having kids of my own. I’m happy that you came when I was already prepared to sacrifice everything for you. And I’m thankful to God for his perfect timing. Because you came into my life in the most beautiful way!

I love you both so dearly! And thank you for coming into my life in God’s perfect time.

My 2.5-Year-Old Son Made Me Cry Tonight

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If you have managed to read my very long first post here, you already know that I have Guillain Barré Syndrome.

GBS has made it hard for me to stand up from low-levelled seats. It has made it hard for me to sit up from lying position. It has made it difficult for me to swallow. It has made it difficult for me to shampoo and comb my hair.

Worst is that it has made me so incapable to lift and carry my two sons. It has made it impossible for me to play with my sons the way I used to.

Yes, GBS has made me feel so USELESS!

Who would want to be in the same situation that I’m in nowadays? Who wouldn’t feel sad? Who wouldn’t feel bad? Who wouldn’t wish to just die?

But each time that I see my very young boys, I can’t help but pray for a miracle. I pray that, in just a blink of my eyes, I am back to my normal self. I pray that, as I take my very next breath, I am strong enough to lift and carry my baby. I pray that, within a millisecond, I can dance, jump and run again with my toddler. I pray that all of these have just been parts of a bad dream and that, as soon as I wake up, I’ll feel that I have never experienced the wrath of GBS.

I know how and how much my sons have been affected by what has happened to me. My 5-month-old baby was crying earlier and my husband had a hard time to make him stop crying. We could hear our baby say “Mom-my! Mom! Mom-my!” Being able to hear my baby call “Mommy” now would have been a song to my ears. But how could it sound like a beautiful song to my ears if he’s saying that while he’s crying yet I couldn’t do anything? It became a torture to my heart!

And my toddler was making different sorts of requests that I could have done and given should I have not been suffering from GBS. This whole experience has stolen motherhood from me!

So tonight as I put my toddler to sleep, I whispered to him, “Sorry, Mommy got sick. I know it’s been hard for you.”

“Don’t worry, Mommy. I love you!”

He said. Then he touched the back of my neck and pulled me towards him and hugged me so tight. All I could say was “thank you” and I started to cry so hard. With that he replied before kissing me on my forehead,

“It’s OK, Mommy. Don’t worry, be happy. Gabrian here. I love you.”

 

I then realised that I must have done something really good in my life.