Tag Archives: mom

Thirty-Five

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Thirty-five gems for my sons:

  1. There is indeed one Supreme Being — God, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit…for others, Allah, Jehovah, Buddha,… Different names perhaps… but there’s indeed one Supreme Being and He is our Father and He loves us.
  2. Have a strong faith in God for nothing is impossible with  Him.
  3. Respect other people’s choice of religion. Religion doesn’t define who’s good and who’s not.
  4. Fire is to Gold as Pressure is to Diamond as Adversity is to Man. One day, life will make you comprehend what this means.
  5. People matter over matters.
  6. Let your greatness be defined by your goodness and kindness to everyone and everything that breathes, not by wealth nor fame nor power.
  7. Marry only one woman. Then love only the woman whom you’d marry.
  8. Your father has been an excellent Daddy to both of you. That should be more than enough for your future children to also have a great Dad!
  9. We are not only beneficiaries of Mother Nature; we are created as stewards of all God’s creations.
  10. It is OK to rest sometimes. Be kind and gentle to yourselves.
  11. Expect that you will commit mistakes. Once you do…admit and correct them then avoid doing them again.
  12. Love your brother and be there for one another…all the time!
  13. Your Daddy and I have been doing our best to build a strong foundation for you. It will be up to you what and how you will build on it.
  14. The universe does not have a centre. This means you are not the centre of the universe.
  15. Keep your feet on the ground (figuratively). You can literally climb up a tree if you want to. But keep your feet on the ground (yes again, figuratively).
  16. You are unique. Based on the standards set by any society, you might either be better or less than the others…don’t bother too much about it. You are unique.
  17. You are and will always be special to me and to your Daddy. I hope that’s more than enough for your self-esteem.
  18. Everbody’s unique. Respect. It’s all about respect.
  19. You might want to be a doctor or engineer or farmer or builder or truck driver, etc.. Choose  to be any of those but please be a good man always.
  20. The best opportunity that life will present to you is the opportunity to help. Always grab it.
  21. At one point or another in your life, you will need help. Be humble and wise enough to ask for it.
  22. You have always been blessed and you will always be. Share your blessings. Pass them on.
  23. Your Daddy and I have been educating you since you’re very little. Therefore, you have no reason to act like uneducated. Being well-mannered and politeness are the keys.
  24. Find ways to explore the world without spending too much money.
  25. You might be able to afford a huge house. Don’t let it define you. It’s how you treat everyone who knocks on your door or who enters your house that will define you.
  26. Life can be unfair. So do your best to be fair to everyone.
  27. Life itself can be tough. So be gentle to yourself and to everyone.
  28. Pray. Don’t just recite prayers. Talk to God the way you talk to your best friend.
  29. Be yourself. But in the process of being yourself, never harm nor hurt anyone else.
  30. Live. Let live.
  31. When you have to, let go and let God.
  32. I trust you.
  33. I love you so much.
  34. Again, I love you.
  35. In case you’ve already forgotten, I LOVE YOU!

This Thing I Call The Alternative Motherhood

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Me and my 6-month-old love ❤❤❤

Motherhood itself can already bring heaps of different kinds and levels of struggles. Being physically weak because of my health condition now has brought me to a whole new level of motherhood — both positively and negatively.

Sometimes, I feel like I am completely useless. Many a time, I feel so helpless. Most of the time, I feel guilty not only because I can’t be of any help but because my moods have become so terrible and my patience is all gone.

But then I realised that I need to find alternative ways so that I can still do the things that I used to do for my two very young boys.

Recently, I discovered that I can still let them sit on my tummy while I’m lying down so I can play with them.

How I play with my two loves ❤❤❤

Sometimes, doing crazy and funny things with them can make all of us happy. Yes, I don’t need to use physical strength all the time to have fun with them.

Me and my 2.5-year-old love ❤❤❤

And it’s been two days now since I’ve been able to comfort our teething baby and to put him to sleep by simply touching and massaging him while we lie down on our bed.

The things that I do now as a mother are not the same things that I had normally done before I got this weak. The things that I do now are the things that I can do with the daily new normal me. And this is what I call an alternative motherhood.

I Miss The Mother That I Was

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It was in the last quarter of 2013 when I learnt that I was pregnant with my first child. From then on, every single aspect of my life started to change.

Although I’ve still had plans for my own future, my family, particularly my children, became my topmost priority. My husband and I agreed that I stay at home full time to look after our children. We joined in Playcentre where I became not only a mother to my children but their first educator too.

Although I sometimes miss my life before I became a mother, I have loved being one. No matter how exhausting it could be sometimes, being a mother has given me so much joy. Motherhood has made me experience what true happiness is even if it meant sacrificing a lot. It has made me feel that I’m finally fulfilling my real purpose in life after pursuing too many different options in the past.

Despite the two difficult pregnancies and childbirths, it felt like everything was in the right place. Despite our daily struggles, it felt like we’re living a beautiful life.

I managed to still continue completing another course at Playcentre. I managed to attend the Playcentre sessions with a toddler and a baby. I managed to enjoy working with the other Playcentre parents. I felt like I was already on the right path to fulfill my all-time ambition of becoming a preschool teacher too.

And then a little over five months after giving birth to my second child, something happened in my body. My immune system messed up with my nerves and muscles. It has made me weak and incapable of performing my tasks. At first, I thought it affected only my lower extremities and swallowing. During my fourth day in the hospital, I couldn’t keep up carrying my baby like I used to. Fifth day came and I couldn’t lift him up from the bed anymore. Sixth day came and my upper extremities were already struggling in changing my boys’ nappies. And I had to completely stop breastfeeding.

Deep inside, I was agreeing with my doctors that I should stay in the hospital but I did my best to convince them to allow me to go home. I was itching to go home because all I wanted was to be with my boys day and night. But I was wrong.

Today is the third day that my husband has to drive our baby to a different house to be looked after by a very kind couple for almost nine hours while I’m at home. Today, we are going to visit a preschool where we can enrol our firstborn, which was totally not part of our plans for the very near future.

I decided not to work to become a full-time stay-at-home mother. But now, I’ve not been able to take on that role. I’ve missed carrying my baby. I’m afraid I’m not going to witness the first time that he’ll crawl or even the first time that he’ll try to stand up or sit up. I’m afraid I won’t be the one to guide him in taking his first steps.

But I have to be honest and, yes, to be gentle with myself. I am not the best person to look after my boys at the moment and neither is my husband since he needs to work. All these unwanted decisions are for the well-being of everyone in our family. I can get enough rest and time that I need to focus on my recovery. My baby will be looked after better and he can have as much cuddles as he needs. My preschooler can play in the best way possible without being disappointed when he wants me to play with him but I can’t. And my husband can focus at work.

I believe that this too shall pass but I pray that it is going to be really, really soon. I only want to do the things that I was doing as a mother. I tremendously miss being the mother that I used to be.

The Longest Eight Days of My Life

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It was New Year’s Eve afternoon. My left leg suddenly felt weak. I thought that I was just tired.

First day of year 2017. I woke up because of the severe pain from the left part of my hips all the way down to my left foot. I thought that I might have made a wrong step the day before. Lunch time. I had difficulty in swallowing… not that my throat was sore but my throat muscles felt weak. As that day went by, my right leg started to feel weak too. I thought I only needed some rest.

2nd day of the new year. It’s a new year! But it’s also a day for our family to get some break from all the festivities! My husband and I decided to clean the house. I decided to clean our shower cubicle. When I had to get up after scrubbing the floor, I couldn’t lift myself up from sitting. My legs and feet felt powerless. My husband had to lift me up. I thought that perhaps I was really exhausted.

Night came. Severe pain from my hips all the way down through my both legs and to my both feet. Even my saliva was hard to swallow while I was lying on the bed. I thought I had to know what could be the reason.

It was almost midnight. I had a chat with my best friend who’s a doctor in UK. She said the symptoms were alarming. She was hoping that I would go to hospital soon. I called the Healthline hoping to get some advice for possible home remedies. The nurse on the phone said that I should be in the hospital within the next two hours. I thought that timing seems to be not good.

It was midnight. My 2.5-year-old and 5-month-old boys were deeply asleep. They were very tired from the New Year’s celebrations. My husband and I waited til the morning came before we went to the hospital emergency. I thought I would end up being told by the doctor that I would only need to rest and head back home.

In the emergency department. I spoke with the triage nurse. It took only around 15 minutes and I was asked to go to an area. I was given the direction to follow the black line on the floor. On my way to where the black line was leading me, I saw that I was going to “Ambulatory” area. I thought that perhaps there’s something serious.

Ambulatory. I was seen by a nurse and followed by a doctor. A CT scan of my brain was done afterwards. Found myself talking to neurologists. I was asked to stay in the hospital to be observed for 24 hours. I was transferred to a room in the “Acute Neurosurgery” ward. I thought I shouldn’t be there.

Ward 81. 24 hours had passed. Some examinations and tests were done. I was still feeling a great amount of weakness and instability on my hips all the way down. I was still walking like a penguin. I was still finding it difficult to swallow. This time, I couldn’t get up easily from sitting on the toilet bowl anymore. Another 24 hours had passed. The doctors were still puzzled. They were considering some nerve or muscular illnesses. I had no other medications apart from paracetamol and ibuprofen. During the two nights that I was in the hospital, my 5-month-old baby was staying with me since I was still exclusively breastfeeding him. I still thought that perhaps it was all due to exhaustion and sleep deprivation.

Third day came. The doctor allowed me to stay at home overnight. I convinced them because my toddler was crying so hard on the phone. He wanted Mommy to be home. The doctors were understanding so we agreed that I’d stay home overnight but I had to come back to the ward the next day at eight in the morning. I thought I could make it so well at home overnight.

At home. I went to the loo. I tried to stand up on my own after. I couldn’t. Husband had to lift me up. I sat on our couch. I fed our baby. I couldn’t stand up afterwards. Husband had to lift me up. We went to bed. We managed through the night. I woke up with severe pain on my hips all the way down to my feet. I tried hard to sit up from lying down. I couldn’t. Husband lifted me up. I took a shower. I couldn’t shampoo my hair so well. My arms started to feel weak and heavy when lifted up. I couldn’t comb my hair too anymore. I began to feel really, really bad about my situation. I felt so incapable. I thought about starting to think about who could replace me as the wife and the mother in case things continue to get worse.

Back to hospital. Neurologists examined me again. I cried hard in front of them. They understood how I felt. A nerve conduction test was done. Another set of blood tests. Almost an hour long of brain, neck and spine MRI. Another day had passed. Doctors wouldn’t allow me to go home after learning about how I was at home. I thought that perhaps it’s really best for me to stay in the hospital.

Another night in the hospital. My baby was still with me. He got immunised that morning after they dropped me off to hospital. He got a bit warm during the day. He was fuzzy and very clingy during the night. I didn’t get to sleep so well. I thought perhaps husband was right about already transitioning our baby to formula.

A new day or so I thought. A different team of neurologists came and said that test results were all good. I was relieved yet still wondering what could be wrong. They examined me again.  They were puzzled. They had to make me stay in the hospital for another day or two. The situation was getting more and more difficult to handle — physically, psychologically and emotionally — for me, my husband and our little ones. I thought about just giving up and convince the doctors to just let me go home and be with our boys.

Breastfeeding no more. Husband and I decided to start giving formula to our baby. Husband courageously took both boys home. He had a very rough night. I had a sleepless night thinking about our family. I thought about several different options for our family’s future.

No discharge order. I was hoping all morning that I would be discharged during the day. Doctors didn’t want me to go home. I still had severe pains overnight. I still couldn’t sit up on my own from lying position. I still couldn’t stand up from sitting on any low-levelled seat. It was still difficult to swallow. I thought perhaps I was an alien that my condition couldn’t be diagnosed by the specialists.

Alone time. I was getting more emotional. I hated my situation because I couldn’t look after my family. I couldn’t even carry our boys. They couldn’t play normally as they usually opted to stay close to me. But then I asked my husband to just go home earlier during that day. I didn’t want to be alone. I wanted to be with my boys. I wanted to be with my husband. It was our 3rd wedding anniversary. But what I wanted the most was for them to enjoy that beautiful day. It’s summer here and the weather was awesome. I thought they’d go home if I appeared to be so irritable and so did I then they went home.

Still a child. I felt I had to talk to someone who’s very close to me. I called Papa. I cried hard. I told him about my worries. I cried and cried until I felt somewhat relieved. I was OK after. I thought that I just had an explosion of emotions.

New team of neurologists. Another exhausting night for the family back home. Another painful night for me in the hospital. A new team of three neurologists came and examined me. I told them I was feeling stronger and that I’d love to be home soon. The senior doctor said it seemed like they wouldn’t allow to leave the hospital yet. That was the first time that a doctor appeared to be sure about what could’ve been happening to me. I thought that sounded like a sophisticated condition.

GBS. Guillain Barré Syndrome was the condition that the doctor explained to me. It was actually the impression of the first doctor who saw me in the emergency department. During the visit of the team the next day, the senior doctor said that he was very confident that it’s GBS. I couldn’t describe how I felt. I felt relieved that they finally had a diagnosis. I had billions of questions in my mind. I was so worried, most especially about my boys. I thought, “So what’s next?”

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