Tag Archives: faith

An Enormous Leap of Faith

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Exactly two months ago, our family left the lovely place that we called home for around five years. During that day and the last weeks before that, my husband and I were so stressed out. The house that we were renting had to be renovated and the scaffolding had been built around the house a couple of weeks before we left.

The fact that the holiday season was already approaching, we had to keep whatever amount of money that we had to survive the weeks that we wouldn’t have income because my husband’s employment status is a “no work, no pay”. To be honest, we wouldn’t afford to pay the bond for a 2-bedroom house in Auckland at that time and it’s been hard to find a decent house for rent in Auckland that would be $400 per week or less. So we thought of moving out of Auckland.

We had always wanted to try living in Central Otago — Cromwell or Alexandra or even Dunedin — but the rentals would not be far from Auckland’s. So it was definitely a “No” or perhaps “Not yet!”

Since my husband’s employer allowed him to work remotely, we considered New Plymouth in Taranaki (5-6 hours drive from Auckland). I spent a week of contacting landlords and agents to schedule some house viewings on a Friday. We had a long Friday of pure road trip with house viewings in between with our two young boys (who were so good and cooperative during our whole travel). We found a house in Inglewood (several minutes away from New Plymouth). We liked the house. It was for only $250 per week. The town centre was just two blocks away. The Playcentre was on the next street. The people seemed to be nice. However, we didn’t hear back from the agent on the day that she promised to call us.

We were rushing to move out because we were concerned about the safety of our young boys and it’s summer so it was the time of the year when we could spend more time outside.

So at night after the day that the agent was expected to call us, my husband and I discussed about considering Timaru (in South Canterbury, South Island of NZ). It was already past midnight and we were still looking through the listings of houses for rent and computing for the moving expenses.

Next day, I found myself talking to some agents in Timaru. None of them would accept our application because they wanted us to view the house first. Yes, we were decided to apply for tenancy without seeing the house that we would be renting. We were that desperate!

Then my husband and I came across a listing for a short-term tenancy because that beautiful 3-bedroom house was already in the market waiting to be sold. I called the agent. I explained about our situation. She was very kind. She asked me if I was sure to apply for a house without even viewing it first. She told me she’d speak to the landlord and would get back to me perhaps in the afternoon or the following day. Less than an hour later, she called me back. She said we could apply for the tenancy. In the next few hours, we had an email with the tenancy agreement that we should sign!

That night, my husband and I continued planning for our next steps. We purchased tickets for the ferry. We discussed about having a garage sale on weekend. We planned to sell almost everything because it would cost us almost $4000-$5000 if we would take everything with us. We ended up giving and donating heaps of stuff and even putting heaps in the bin because they weren’t sold. I was worried and I was exhausted. But then, I thought that it would mean that we could have a fresh start in Timaru and organising the house would be so much easier.

The next day, I received a message from the agent in Inglewood (Taranaki) saying that she was about to prepare our tenancy agreement. Come on! My husband and I were already having some anxiety attacks while waiting for her call. No, we wouldn’t trade our chance to experience living in South Island!

Oh well, the truth is that we had never been here in Timaru before we moved here! Moreover, we didn’t know anyone here in Timaru. So yes, it was an ENORMOUS LEAP OF FAITH!!! Or you might want to call us crazy???

It’s almost two months now since we arrived. Do we like Timaru? WE LOVE IT!!! On Friday, we are moving again!!! It’s still in Timaru and the house is for a long-term tenancy this time. This house that has given us shelter was sold a week after we found a new house.

It’s only been two months yet we have been blessed with very wonderful people from our neighbourhood, from Playcentre, from our nature-based outdoor playgroup and of course from the church. My son has already been settling in well, happy and loved at kindy. My husband and I have been starting to have our own groups of very supportive church people. It feels like we are indeed meant to live here in Timaru.

When we fully allow our fate to be led by our full trust and faith in God’s Will and faithfulness, we open our lives to surprising blessings that have been in store for us. We may feel that we’ve still got some unbearable burdens but the joy and peace in our hearts are overflowing. That’s because we have given God the freedom to fully work in our lives in His mysterious ways.

So when you find a huge gap between now and the future, be brave to take that enormous leap of faith and you might also find yourself in your own heaven here on earth.

Caroline Bay, Timaru, New Zealand

Our Family’s Big Move: From Auckland to Timaru

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It was Thursday last week, three days before Christmas, when we moved out from our house of four years. It was not for us to move in to another house or to another suburb in Auckland. We’re not even moving to a nearby town or region around Auckland. The move was actually from North Island to South Island of New Zealand. We have moved to Timaru — a town in South Canterbury.

Moving from Auckland to Timaru could be either having a plane ride or having 8-10 hours of road trip from Auckland to Wellington then an almost four hours of Interislander ferry ride from Wellington in North Island to Picton in South Island then another 8-10 hours drive from Picton to Timaru. We chose to do the combination of road trips and ferry ride.

On queue at 2AM to ride the Interislander ferry from Wellington to Picton

It was not an easy move. It was actually a very unusual move nowadays when people are more inclined to move from the countryside to a big city such as Auckland. We were asked many times by the people around us why we had to move to Timaru.

We have chosen to take the road less traveled.

It was a decision made so suddenly but moving to South Island has always been mine and my husband’s aspiration since we came here for a holiday after our wedding in 2014. We fell in love with South Island — particularly in Central Otago.

So what took us almost four years before we have made this move? What’s with the sudden move? What’s with South Island? Why not in Central Otago now? Why are we in Timaru now?

What took us four years before we have moved here? Two reasons: no job opportunities and had our first boy in 2014. 2015 — no job oportunities. 2016 — gave birth again and still no job opportunities. First three quarters of 2017 — I got so ill and still no job opportunities.

Why the sudden move? The house that we’re renting in Auckland has had to be renovated and we’ve got scaffolding all around our house during our last few weeks there. We didn’t want to spend the holidays in a construction site!

What’s with South Island? It is BEAUTIFUL — the mountains, the lakes, the plains and plateaus! It feels like we’ve got an easy access to nature. Back in 2014, it was more on my husband still being so active in triathlon and me being so into living in calm and quiet surroundings. Now that we have two boys, it’s more on for them to have a bigger outdoor space to run around and to eventually have more freedom to go out and play or ride a bike and scooter without me worrying so much about the busy traffic outside our house. It is important for us that our boys can spend more time outside for them to become more attracted to outdoor and physical activities as we know that they are going to be exposed in the digital world once they go to school. I’d rather have them some cuts and bruises and dirty clothes (and even catch germs and bugs) from playing outside than deal with children who can’t stay calm without a screen in front of them.

Our boys’ playtime during our stopover in Kaikoura

Why not in Central Otago now? We still love and dream to live in Central Otago but the houses there are so expensive now. Also, if we live in Cromwell or Alexandra, we’re not sure if they’ve got a Playcentre there. Dunedin still appears like a city for us. Queenstown is superbly beautiful — excellent tourist spot but I never thought of raising a family there as I associate that place to tourists.

Tram ride during our stopover in Christchurch

Why in Timaru now? What’s more surprising to other people about this move was the fact that we had never been here until last Friday. We never even had a chance to view the house that we are currently renting before we signed the tenancy agreement and paid the bond and advance payment. We were not even sure if we were going to like Timaru. So when we were already a town or two away from Timaru, my husband and I felt so nervous and excited at the same time. We were saying, “This is it! This is it!” And we were asking, “Are we really sure about this? Are we going to have a better life here?” And Mr. Three was asking, “Is this still in New Zealand? Are we in the Philippines now?” Gosh!!! More than 24 hours of travel would even make a three-year-old child think that we could already be in the other side of the world!

Kia ora, Timaru!!!

Then we arrived in Timaru. We drove around a bit before we went to our new home. We had a great first impression of the town. It wasn’t as rural as I thought it was but the good thing is that it is not a city. It’s lovely. It’s not as stunningly beautiful as Cromwell but it is lovely. It is good enough for us to continue raising our family. Caroline Bay is not as awesome as the beaches in Auckland but we’re thankful that Timaru has it.

Where we attended the mass on Christmas

We’re now here in Timaru because it is not a city. The houses are more affordable — we’re renting a house that is twice as big as the one we had in Auckland but it is way less expensive than the two-bedroom houses in Auckland. Timaru is complete for us — two Catholic churches, two Playcentres to choose from, some kindergartens, some schools and there are even catholic schools just in case, PakNSave/ Countdown/ New World are present, some shops such as The Warehouse, Briscoes, Noel Leeming, etc. are also here, huge parks and playgrounds too. And there’s also Timaru Hospital — this one is very important to us too. There are buses too. So far so good for us down here.

Lake Tekapo is now less than an hour drive away from us.

We’re now in Timaru and it feels like a fresh start for us. We don’t have our furnitures and appliances with us as we sold everything (except our clothes and a few boys’ toys) back in Auckland to avoid spending huge amount in movers and it would be hard to bring so much while we know that it’s just me and my husband who would organise everything here when we arrived. But we made sure to have a dining table and chairs before Christmas’ eve — still no beds, fridge, washing machine, etc.. As long as we have something to eat, clean clothes to wear, blankies to keep us warm when we sleep (and toys for our boys to play with), we’ll surely survive and we’ll have everything that we need one at a time — slowly but surely.

Are we going to be here for good? We don’t know. I’m still worried if we’ll be able to build friendships with the people here the way we did in Auckland. We already met a few Filipinos — a priest, the couple who own a Filipino cafe, two other Filipinas. We’re planning to join in a Playcentre but I’m still in the process of learning not to expect it to be like the community that we had back in Hillsborough Playcentre. I don’t know how we are going to be in winter. Yesterday morning, the temp was 7C and it’s summer — such a wintry summer! I don’t know if we can find a practice that is as good as Balmoral Doctors.

These beautiful flowers welcomed us and have made me feel hopeful about having a more wonderful life here in Timaru.

However it will be, I am now happy that my husband and I have finally been able to fulfill our dream of experiencing life here in South Island. Life is a constant change, anyway. We’ll see — what will be will be!

Warning: Long Article! But this might help you or someone…

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Each time someone hears about the journey that I’ve had since the beginning of this year, I am being told that I should write about it. A few of those people told me that I should write about it because a doctor who could be interested in my case might read it. Others would say that I should write about it because it could be very inpiring for those who are suffering from similar conditions. So yes, I am writing about it now because it might help someone (including myself) in one way or another. I am writing about it because I desire to give hope to others.

So this article is about how I think I have seemed to recover from “whatever it was that happened to me”. Yes, “whatever it was that happened to me” because there is still no final diagnosis up until now. At first, they thought I had Guillaine-Barré Syndrome but when they found out that the acetylcholine level in my blood was so high, they thought it could be Myasthenia Gravis; however, the other test results could not prove it. For a more detailed story about what happened to me at first, you might want to read this: The Longest Eight Days of My Life.

As every cloud has a silver lining and as there is usually a colourful rainbow after the rain, there is always hope and God is always with us whom we should hold on to during the storms in our lives.

Almost eleven months later, I have seemed to be back to my normal self. I can move around without a walker or a walking stick. I can do most of the household chores. I can take my two wee ones on bus, train and/or ferry rides. We can attend the Playcentre sessions again after a couple of terms off. So what could have helped me?

First, I want to make it clear that I am not sure if I have completely recovered now or if I have been free from any of those dreaded conditions because I have still been experiencing pains and weaknesses almost every single day. I’m just thankful that the pains are somewhat tolerable now. So what could have helped me to somehow recover?

I cannot pinpoint a single thing as a matter of fact. It can be a combination of everything that I had to do. I had therapies. I had to drink Ensure (nutritional drink) at least twice daily. And I’ve had to manage my own energy level.

I had occupational therapy sessions for almost three months. I relearnt to get up from bed on my own, to get up from sitting position, to safely stand and walk on my own. I used a walker for almost two months then transitioned to a walking stick which I opted not to use all the time. I seldom used it for less than a month. I relearnt to independently look after my personal needs — from having someone to assist me in the shower and in toileting for almost two months to being able to be safe in the shower on my own, from not being able to comb my hair to being able to actually cut it, from not being able to change clothes on my own to being able to do everything for myself all by myself. I was helped to be able to do the household chores again — we started from folding the clean clothes to hanging the washed clothes to washing the dishes to cooking until I can do almost everything in the house again. And of course, I was helped to be able to look after my children again and that was at the very top of the priorities and goals that we listed during our first session.

I had physiotherapy sessions at least twice weekly for almost three months. It helped in strengthening my body — from the core to my arms and legs to my fingers and toes. My physiotherapist was the one who took me out for walks — started from five metres to a hundred metres then uphills and downhills then up and down the stairs. Each session was exhausting but it was worth it. There were sessions when we had to stop because of severe pains on my legs and arms. I had special sessions once a week to strengthen my arms and fingers which helped me to be able to write again.

I had speech and language therapy which helped me in swallowing and in being able to easily produce the sounds of some letters.

I had some psychotherapy sessions, as well. It was actually a big help to me. While everybody had seemed to see me as being happy and still well-composed in the midst of everything that happened, I opted to see a psychiatrist because I felt that I was already falling apart inside. I reached the point when my psychiatrist asked me to talk to our GP about taking some antidepressants; thankfully, I didn’t have to. Our GP and my neurologists said I didn’t have to take antidepressants because the level of my depression and anxiety were all relatively normal for someone who’s been challenged in health. They told me that I just have to talk about how I feel and what I think. If you’ve reached reading up to this point and you have been suffering from any illnesses or challenges in life, don’t hesitate to see a psychiatrist. Don’t be ashamed of doing something that can actually help you.

I also had to see a dietitian who set the goal for me to at least slightly reach my usual weight again within a month. My usual weight was 45kg. It went down to 41kg. I never lost appetite but yes, I still lost a huge amount of weight. I’ve had my own theory: since I experienced weakness in my muscles, my stomach muscles could have been weakened too so the food that I was taking in might not have been being digested properly. As I mentioned earlier, I had to drink ensure at least twice daily. It actually helped! Was I able to reach the goal? Fail! I went up to 43kg though. However, I am around 45kg now. Cheers to my body for doing a great job these days.

Yes, I had to go through a lot. And one important thing that all my therapists advised me is to be mindful of my strength and energy level — meaning not to push myself too hard. This is actually the most difficult thing to do. The problem with me is that I have the tendency to do everything that I plan to do all at once and I guess that was what brought me to such ordeal. I abuse myself. I don’t listen to my body. I just wanted to get things done because it gives me a sense of my self-worth and I hate to be criticised (by my husband). A month after I gave birth to our second child, I was already washing our clothes. Around three or four months after I gave birth, I decided to rearrange our house — I pushed huge cabinets around, I transferred huge cabinets from one room to another. I was vacuuming the house, etc. And I did all of those while breastfeeding my baby in between, looking after my two boys, playing with them, attending Playcentre sessions and completing my assessments in the course that I was trying to finish. Yes, I have grown into the kind of person who ignores my body to be able to do what I had planned to.

Indeed, life has its own way to teach us the important lessons in life!

Anyway, perhaps you are wondering if I have taken any medications. Only paracetamol and ibuprofen for pains. There were weeks when I had to regularly take them because my headaches and the pains on my back, legs and arms weren’t going away. Well, even if I was taking those medicines, the pains wouldn’t still go away most of the time. I had to take something for heartburn and acid reflux for a month. Other than those medications, nothing at all that was specific to any kind of illness. My neurologists almost gave me mestinon or prednisone, a couple of medications for Myasthenia Gravis; however, thankfully again, they hesitated and asked me to try to keep going without them because they didn’t want me to take them since I would have to take other medications for the possible side effects of those medicines. Also, they had seen that I was improving with all the therapies and nutritional adjustments that I was doing.

In fairness to my neurologists, I love how they have handled my case. I am aware how they have been thoroughly studying my case. There was even a time when someone from the team of neurologists that looked after me mentioned that a number of senior neurologists had a meeting to discuss what could have been happening to me.

It has been a long journey for me (this article too, eh?!) and our family. I’m not sure what the final diagnosis is going to be or if they will ever get to a conclusion. The thing is that if they can’t identify my symptoms and their findings with any other known illnesses or conditions, they might not be able to have a final diagnosis. But the truth is that I am not sure if I still want them to be able to diagnose me with a certain illness or condition since I have already been better nowadays. I am only praying that nothing similar to what happened months ago will happen to me again.

So if you are still reading this and if you are in a somewhat similar situation as mine, do every possible thing that you can to help yourself. Don’t depend too much on the diagnosis. Don’t just stick to the options of being treated with medicines. Medications can help but every medicine has its side effects too.

Also, keep going even if you feel like you are blinded or like you are in a dark tunnel. Most importantly, trust in God. Hold on to Him. After all, He gave this life to us and life has to be lived no matter what the situation is — not always easy though. And…

As every cloud has a silver lining and as there is usually a colourful rainbow after the rain, there is always hope and God is always with us whom we should hold on to during the storms in our lives.

The Continuation of the Saga

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This is the Part 2 of my blog post The Saga Continues. 

A few days after the test was done to me, I received an appointment letter for me to see the neurologist who mainly looked after me. I, together with my husband and sons, went to the Neurology Day Stay Clinic at Auckland City Hospital last Monday.

There was also a Neurology student inside the clinic where Dr. R discussed about their findings on me. After he asked me how I’ve been, he asked the student: “What condition will you consider if the symptoms are muscular weakness and difficulty in swallowing, particularly after some activities and towards the end of the day, and her eyelids are slightly droopy and she’s having double vision every now and then? The acetylcholine antibody in her blood has been tested thrice and they’re all above the normal level.” The student gave some answers. She didn’t nail it!

Dr. R said, “It’s Myasthenia Gravis!”

What is Myasthenia Gravis?

At that very moment, I felt like everything in this world suddenly stopped. Even my breathing stopped…no, I just held my breath! My heart was beating fast and I looked at my two sons. I didn’t know what to think and feel.

Then Dr. R looked at me and started to discuss what he and Dr. C thought about my case.

The good news was the overall result of the test that was done to me was within normal.

The bad news was they still could not confirm that I really don’t have Myasthenia Gravis. He said that Dr. C explained to him that he’s had some patients who had normal results as well but after months or even years of investigating their conditions, it turned out that when the tests came back normal, they were only at the stage when Myasthenia Gravis was still developing until the symptoms got really worse.

So now what?

He told me that they won’t do anything at the moment. No treatment, no therapies, nothing… unless the symptoms start to get worse. They will see me again after 10 months. Yes, 10 months. He asked me to have another set of blood tests to see if any other autoimmune disorder is possible — meaning: if my immune system is also attacking my other organs such as thyroid, liver and kidneys.

My husband asked him if we can do anything (i.e. diet or lifestyle change or vitamins) to prevent the Myasthenia Gravis from developing in case it really does. Doctor said that there’s nothing we can do. Yes, NOTHING!!!

To be honest, that was very, very frustrating. We had waited for almost half a year to find out the cause of that horrible experience that not only me but our whole family had. And yet, the answer was still not final. I had been praying that I’d hear the doctor say, “it was indeed Guillain-Barré Syndrome and you have nothing to worry about now…” or at the very least (not that I want it), “you have this or that illness/disorder and we’ll start with the treatment and you will be cured.”

But then, I have nothing against my doctors. I know that they’ve done everything that they could. They have considered everything that they know (or learnt) and did all the possible tests. And I totally appreciate how they have handled my case. Moreover, I’m really thankful that they have never put me under any trial-and-error medications.

For now, I’ll wait until they call me again for my next appointment and simply pray that I’ll get better and better… and, of course, to continue living my life. After all, I’ve got two wonderful boys to look after and my husband and I have got beautiful plans for our family to look forward to.

My Faith and God’s Faithfulness

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When I think about God, I see myself as if I am forever a child.

I have been asked several times already how I have been able to still smile and to stay happy after everything that has happened in my life. I have been praised many times for being a brave and strong person, for being a woman of God and for having a strong faith in God.

The truth is that I am not always brave and strong. I get scared and anxious many times. I may be smiling but I am not always happy when I smile. I also feel sad and I also get depressed.

The truth is that I also lose my faith in God from time to time. I question Him. I complain to Him. I argue with Him. Sometimes, I just want to give up and that if I can stop myself from breathing, I would.

But then, I always feel that God have never given up nor will he ever give up on me. I feel like He has always remained and will always stay faithful to me.

If anyone will ask me how I can say or prove that God is faithful to me, I don’t know but I strongly feel it deep inside.

What has happened to me these past few months was not the only time when I felt like life and the world have been conspiring to force me to simply give up. I have been through family crises, death of a loved one, dangers, failures, heartbreaks, illnesses and people’s harsh judgments — you know, those moments in life when I could just let my spirit be crushed into billions of bits and pieces.

Yes, there were thousands of times when I was already on the edge and I was too certain and prepared to jump off the cliff.

And then, instead of falling, it felt like I would just be floating until my feet would land on a better ground. It would always feel like I am being saved. Or better yet, I am presented with a great amount of hope… as if I am being told that there are still more beautiful days and years ahead of me.

So what has happened to me these past few months has just been another chapter in my life where God has shown me his love and faithfulness.

After all these months when I was losing hope and I was scared of not being able to look after my sons again, I am back to being the mom that I planned to be although my younger boy has still been spending days in the childcare centre.

Today, I have been discharged from physiotherapy. Next week might mark my final occupational therapy session. Although there are still tests to be done and even if I would still need to be seen by a dietitian and the neurologists, I feel really glad now that I can do almost everything that I used to do.

Indeed, God has always been faithful to me.

In my moments of fear
Through every pain Every tear
There’s a God who’s been faithful to me
When my strength was all gone
When my heart had no song
Still in love, He’s proved faithful to me.
Every word He’s promised is true
What I thought was impossible I see my God do

He’s been faithful, Faithful to me
Looking back, His love and mercy I see.
Though in my heart I have questioned, even failed to believe He’s been faithful, faithful to me.

(He’s Been Faithful by Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir)