When I think about God, I see myself as if I am forever a child.

I have been asked several times already how I have been able to still smile and to stay happy after everything that has happened in my life. I have been praised many times for being a brave and strong person, for being a woman of God and for having a strong faith in God.

The truth is that I am not always brave and strong. I get scared and anxious many times. I may be smiling but I am not always happy when I smile. I also feel sad and I also get depressed.

The truth is that I also lose my faith in God from time to time. I question Him. I complain to Him. I argue with Him. Sometimes, I just want to give up and that if I can stop myself from breathing, I would.

But then, I always feel that God have never given up nor will he ever give up on me. I feel like He has always remained and will always stay faithful to me.

If anyone will ask me how I can say or prove that God is faithful to me, I don’t know but I strongly feel it deep inside.

What has happened to me these past few months was not the only time when I felt like life and the world have been conspiring to force me to simply give up. I have been through family crises, death of a loved one, dangers, failures, heartbreaks, illnesses and people’s harsh judgments — you know, those moments in life when I could just let my spirit be crushed into billions of bits and pieces.

Yes, there were thousands of times when I was already on the edge and I was too certain and prepared to jump off the cliff.

And then, instead of falling, it felt like I would just be floating until my feet would land on a better ground. It would always feel like I am being saved. Or better yet, I am presented with a great amount of hope… as if I am being told that there are still more beautiful days and years ahead of me.

So what has happened to me these past few months has just been another chapter in my life where God has shown me his love and faithfulness.

After all these months when I was losing hope and I was scared of not being able to look after my sons again, I am back to being the mom that I planned to be although my younger boy has still been spending days in the childcare centre.

Today, I have been discharged from physiotherapy. Next week might mark my final occupational therapy session. Although there are still tests to be done and even if I would still need to be seen by a dietitian and the neurologists, I feel really glad now that I can do almost everything that I used to do.

Indeed, God has always been faithful to me.

In my moments of fear
Through every pain Every tear
There’s a God who’s been faithful to me
When my strength was all gone
When my heart had no song
Still in love, He’s proved faithful to me.
Every word He’s promised is true
What I thought was impossible I see my God do

He’s been faithful, Faithful to me
Looking back, His love and mercy I see.
Though in my heart I have questioned, even failed to believe He’s been faithful, faithful to me.

(He’s Been Faithful by Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir)