It was 11:50pm of the 1st of November 2002 when I felt so numb while I was feeling almost all sorts of emotions all at the same time. It was when the most loved and most influential woman in my life was declared gone. Yes, it was when Lola (my grandmother) died.

Isn’t she lovely?

I felt so numb at that very moment that I did not cry. It felt like something controlled my mind at that very moment that all I could think of was “her pains and sufferings have gone” and I was thankful for that.

I can still vividly remember how bright the room was at that time. She was peacefully lying on the bed in the middle of the room with at least five people surrounding her. I was just standing in one corner of the room when suddenly I felt a very cold air that touched my face and whole body while I could smell the scent of sampaguita flowers — the door and windows were closed, the aircon was already off and no sampaguita inside the room. That somehow comforted me and gave me peace of mind. She would be in a much better place.

I can’t remember that I cried during her wake. I thought that perhaps I was already tired of crying because there was not a single day during almost one whole month that we were in the hospital that I did not cry. Then I thought that perhaps I had already become so strong and tough. I was wrong.

I wished she had simply gone abroad temporarily.

The day when we had to bring her to the church for the final blessing came. I did not want to leave her side. It felt like my heart was about to explode. I cried so hard… nonstop! When they opened her coffin for one last time, I hugged her and I kissed her. She was so cold and hard. I was still crying. I can’t remember when I stopped crying. And I still cry from time to time because I still wish that she’s still alive with me.

Her death has made me choose some paths in my life that I might have not taken if she’s still alive. I’m not even sure if I could have ever tried living in the monastery since perhaps I would have never left her. Perhaps I have been really working as an engineer. Perhaps I am single until now because who would actually look after her unless she would live with me and my own family? Perhaps I’m still in the Philippines. Who could have known?

Yes, I’m a grandma’s girl. I was constantly with her since I was around three or four. I was sleeping beside her until before she died. I was already twenty then and I was a university student. She was everything to me. She’s not only a grandmother to me. She had been a perfect mother to me and it’s her from whom I learnt how a mother should be to be considered as a good mother. From her, I learnt how to love unconditionally.

Me with Lola, Lolo Tatay and my eldest cousin…

Now that I’m already a mother, my standard has been her. When motherhood becomes so hard and challenging for me, all I think of is her. I have two boys only while she had seven children — four boys, three girls. I don’t have any reasons to give up (not even complain) on motherhood.

I don’t know if I will still be alive when my sons have their own children. If ever, I don’t want to be the kind of grandmother that Lola had been to me because I don’t want my grandchildren to be as lonely and incomplete as me when their grandmother is gone.

It has been a decade and a half now since Lola’s gone yet I still miss her so miserably.