It was in the last quarter of 2013 when I learnt that I was pregnant with my first child. From then on, every single aspect of my life started to change.

Although I’ve still had plans for my own future, my family, particularly my children, became my topmost priority. My husband and I agreed that I stay at home full time to look after our children. We joined in Playcentre where I became not only a mother to my children but their first educator too.

Although I sometimes miss my life before I became a mother, I have loved being one. No matter how exhausting it could be sometimes, being a mother has given me so much joy. Motherhood has made me experience what true happiness is even if it meant sacrificing a lot. It has made me feel that I’m finally fulfilling my real purpose in life after pursuing too many different options in the past.

Despite the two difficult pregnancies and childbirths, it felt like everything was in the right place. Despite our daily struggles, it felt like we’re living a beautiful life.

I managed to still continue completing another course at Playcentre. I managed to attend the Playcentre sessions with a toddler and a baby. I managed to enjoy working with the other Playcentre parents. I felt like I was already on the right path to fulfill my all-time ambition of becoming a preschool teacher too.

And then a little over five months after giving birth to my second child, something happened in my body. My immune system messed up with my nerves and muscles. It has made me weak and incapable of performing my tasks. At first, I thought it affected only my lower extremities and swallowing. During my fourth day in the hospital, I couldn’t keep up carrying my baby like I used to. Fifth day came and I couldn’t lift him up from the bed anymore. Sixth day came and my upper extremities were already struggling in changing my boys’ nappies. And I had to completely stop breastfeeding.

Deep inside, I was agreeing with my doctors that I should stay in the hospital but I did my best to convince them to allow me to go home. I was itching to go home because all I wanted was to be with my boys day and night. But I was wrong.

Today is the third day that my husband has to drive our baby to a different house to be looked after by a very kind couple for almost nine hours while I’m at home. Today, we are going to visit a preschool where we can enrol our firstborn, which was totally not part of our plans for the very near future.

I decided not to work to become a full-time stay-at-home mother. But now, I’ve not been able to take on that role. I’ve missed carrying my baby. I’m afraid I’m not going to witness the first time that he’ll crawl or even the first time that he’ll try to stand up or sit up. I’m afraid I won’t be the one to guide him in taking his first steps.

But I have to be honest and, yes, to be gentle with myself. I am not the best person to look after my boys at the moment and neither is my husband since he needs to work. All these unwanted decisions are for the well-being of everyone in our family. I can get enough rest and time that I need to focus on my recovery. My baby will be looked after better and he can have as much cuddles as he needs. My preschooler can play in the best way possible without being disappointed when he wants me to play with him but I can’t. And my husband can focus at work.

I believe that this too shall pass but I pray that it is going to be really, really soon. I only want to do the things that I was doing as a mother. I tremendously miss being the mother that I used to be.